December~

It's December, meaning Christmas will be here soon~ I love Christmas although I am not a Christian. I like it because it gave me a very joyful feeling, but at the same time, I have not celebrated Christmas for the past 21years because Christmas eve is daddy's birthday, which means Christmas is always family day and daddy is not a celebration guy. Sigh. Will I ever spend Christmas with friends? However, it's a gift to be able to celebrate with family isn't it? Perhaps there will not be a chance after I get married many many many years later. Haha!

Christmas Log Cake for everyone~! =)

Anyway, in 20days time I'll be heading back KL for semester break and my industrial attachment. It's gonna be 5months away from this creepy place, I'll be missing it so much!

Final's in 10 days, and I have not started my reading. BAD BAD BAD!!  Will start tonight after I finish packing. Anyone wanna give me a hand? Haik Haik!!


Loving Life~!
Ding Dong BeLL

A Turn

I couldn't see the turning point, but I knew I took a turn somehow. And I know you were the one who held my hands through all these. Thank you.


Have been behaving well for the past few weeks (especially the past one week!). My mood was never at this tip top level. It's something good! Very glad and proud of myself that I am able to keep my positive side on track. 


Something happened today, I got really upset. At that particular point, I was about to burst. There was one thought that passed my mind : The negative side of me which has been repressed is finally going to burst, after all I am not going to be positive. In fact, the joy and happiness I experienced for the past one week were indeed from the heart. Non of them were fabricated. Thumbs up for myself.*


The frustration on top of what happened were still there though. I remained silent, did exercises and took a shower. I was refreshed, and felt better. My mouth is allowed to open then. Talked to my friend about what actually happened via sms and the everything is fine now. I realized I wasn't able to do it face-to-face yet, so step-by-step I will go. Glad!


It was another good day, a great one instead!  =)


Learning is a life long process, enjoy every bit of it.




Catching a train at 5am later. Nightz.
CCBel

I was trying to make some changes to my blog page, changing background, colors and all those stuff. I tried to take away the photo but it just felt so weird not having it. It's somehow like a signature for my blog, or maybe I hoped that was the signature. It's been sitting on top of the page for more that one year. 365 days is not very long, nor short. There is a reason why I wanted it to sit there I guess.

*I love the roses by the way. They are so erotic~

Breakfast time.

CCL

+ + +

For the past two days or three, I managed to keep my emotion at the POSITIVE level ! There wasn't a single grieving or anything that kept me bothered. Even if there were some, I managed to put it aside and put a smile on face.

But coming to think of it, when I am having this so-positive mood days, someone popped up a question asking me "today you not feeling well?". Hrm, it keeps me wondering why when I am seriously in a bad bad mood, they don't ask, but somehow when I am +ve, they think that I am acting weird.

So back to the point. The presenting CCL is so NEGATIVE all these while. Sigh. I feel ashamed by myself. And YES I should be too.

Some quick changes that I can do are, First surround myself in a +++++++ve environment (for instance, changing my blog template into something brighter, a bit. haha. don't you think the roses are so erotic, I definitely love it! ;) ) , Second just keep my mind positive. Somehow, I was able to hinder the negative thoughts from staying in my mind in these few days. I say good job! Everything positive! =)

Things between us, I supposed, are getting better. I just pray that things don't fall apart.

*I still crave for my Cameron and Genting trip badly, you hear me?!*

It's late now.

Love, BeL

Dedicated to YOU!

You know who you are!

I always felt it's a miracle to know you. And the process of us is so special (at least to me it is!). We started the KC way of knowing each other >> letters (which are still well kept!), then phone calls almost everyday, even during exams. Then to twice a week, once a week, once a month, once every few months, then no more. I miss those days you know. Why are you so far away now.

However all these doesn't really matter, because we are still very very GOOD FRIENDS aren't we! I really am looking forward to the day I'll be seeing you again. And the present is still sitting in my room. I'll send to you someday~! AHA!

It's been 8 years. So so long to me and you know why is it so. Although many things changed but our friendship remained! What else can be better than that?

I MISS YOU SO MUCH!

gotta wash up and go to bed now.

the one who love you since the start, XYZ.

=)

New Sem!

Nothing much to be excited about. Many things have changed, but life has to go on. I have a new strategy to cope this time, hopefully there is no need to use any of it. =)

Last sem's result was out, SATISFIED, at the same time fear. Am afraid this sem I couldn't keep up. Keep my fingers crossed and fight fight fight for the best!

School wise, hrmm.. The lecturers are rather disappointing seriously. But what can we do? Better work harder, that's it.

Enjoying every bit of my kampar home. It's really very nice, not the 'hotel' part but the whole thing, especially standing at the balcony. I stood there with a cup of tea for one hour yesterday, really relaxing.

*Just TWO things, I haven't brought any utensils, so when I tapao, disposable chopsticks and spoons make me felt damn guilty. Another one is the internet. Not sure is it the whole Westlake or just my house? The rest are just *AWESOME*!!

Will enjoy every bit of it and work hard! I hope my *surprise plan* goes well~ Counting down, 20days to go!

Ciao~

Blog Day

Yeay! I called this blog day because I read hell a lot of blogs (approximately 10+, considered a lot right!). Some were my friends, some were friend's friends (it's called Social Referral I think).

Why is today blog day instead?

My second last paper is due on Tuesday, and I am not studying at all. I finished up Grey's Anatomy season 6 within two days, that's pretty crazy isn't it?! I was not at all in the mood to study, in addition that I was/am a lil down, so I decided to read some blogs, then I saw the links and linked and linked. I pick only those which were written in English to read, coz I am not a Chinese reader I swear.

I like reading ENGLISH. Yes, reading English. I enjoy observing the way people write, it's nice and cute. It's really fun to see how people make use of words, how they construct those lines. I like English, but somehow mine suck to the max. Mainly because I am lazy (haha, yes I am! I supposed if I were hardworking enough, I would be someone now, at least my resume would looked super~).

There is one blog which was written with very good English. I personally like that blog because it's very enthusiastic. She wrote it in a way that you could feel life is so wonderful and she enjoyed every bit of it. I skipped the bible parts because I don't want to get myself involved in religion yet, not so soon at least. Her blog also kept me updated with a lil bit of her life, not much but supposed it's enough.

Another two blogs, by hi-bye friends. The only thing I enjoyed is still the English part. It's really fun to read those English. No offence, but it's obvious that neither anyone of us have up-to-standard English yet. After all, we live in the 'manglish' environment. Overall, I also enjoyed reading and get to know what they had in minds.

Two by normal friends, bilingual blogs. Written in English and Chinese. I ran through the Chinese's real quickly and read those English ones. I like the way life was expressed with those limited English words that they knew. It's cute to see that some grammars and rules were picked up from movies and dramas, because I do the same thing too..! XD

A lil girl's blog, personally find it very interesting. Very nice and cool blog design with some small cute buttons. (Imma computer idiot, so it looks damn cool to me!). Her blog is very "spacious", because not too much words neither photos(most of it larh~). But it's funny to see the way she blogs, very TELEGRAPHIC. *wondering should I put a link? nah~ http://fionslove.blogspot.com/*

The rest was no bad as I also enjoyed reading them. It's pretty exciting to see how people treat their life and experiences. At the same time, we can apply it to ourself. This will make us more flexible and adaptive to the environment. Besides, you get to know a lil gossips here and there. Not much people are good at keeping secrets, as people basically like telling others the secret and then say "you swear you wont tell others ok?!". The same thing then passes around, it's cute and funny when you see this but not cute at all when it's your secret being passed around. Haha.

Have you ever try sitting by the bus stop, doing nothing but observing how people behave? (I know you do that all the time MSH~! :)) ) And also see how people would dress to different occasions. I personally like looking at their shoes and I'll be thinking "eww, that shoe is so ugly. wonder how much she paid and what she's like about it." or "she really has good fashion sense." or even "I bet she is meeting her boyfriend, she dressed like she is getting married today FGS!". It's evil but it's fun and indeed it'll cheer up your day. Try it when you have any chances! You'll know what I mean~

I tried to keep my blogs short and fun, but if you know me well, you'll know there isn't much positive energy in me, so fun is outta topic. Decided to write a long one this time, so hope it isn't too bored. (If you have noticed, there are many "I"s in most of my blog, which you can see that I am quite a self-centered person, I don't deny.)

Till then. Cheers.

Christabel Chi

A Friend

I hated you since that day. I hated you!

The next day of our last day, I was so bugged with this whole thing. I wasn't angry at all. I was sad, sad of losing you. For one whole day, I couldn't stop thinking about what happened. Seriously, I've never done such thing. I still couldn't believe I actually did it.

I wasn't sad anymore then. That feeling changed, it changed into hatred. I deleted you from my phone contact, I deleted you from facebook, I deleted you from msn. But the last thing I wanted is to delete you from my memory. I don't know why.

Is that the real feeling I am having deep inside my heart? NO. I know it very well that I changed it into hating you so that I wont think of you anymore. I am sorry for what happened between us, and I am also sorry that I don't know what I've done makes you hated me so badly. You probably hated me for what I've said and done to you, but have you thought that all these while, what you've said and done also hurt me.

Every time I see you in the house, I felt like saying hi to you, just a simple hi will do.

*I've never took friendship so seriously like this time. I still cannot believe what I wrote.

又一个学期。

一个学期又即将过去了。。

上学期过得很吃力，因为考试压力让我喘不过气来。。

这学期功课考试没有上学期繁忙（但考试没那么简单哦~），可是一样那么吃力，喘不过气。。这次的烦恼是我最担心的问题。。人际关系。。唉，自问从来都不善于处理人际关系，所以呀我才没报读PR。（不好笑。。。T_T)

不懂为何，这学期会把人际关系搞得那么糟。这糟糕的程度还让我做出了一个一路来都没勇气做的事，也没想过会踏出这一步。这可不容易叻。

虽然。。。但是。。。 不是什么可怕的事啦，但踏出这步真的不简单。。因为毕竟自己身处同行。。（嘻嘻）

另一件事，这学期好像和“你”沟通多了叻。有点心疼你的处境，也有点不开心发生这么大件事也没告诉我。。。毕竟我们俩“在一起”已经有8年了。。。

圆规真钻。其实到目前为止，我仍然在挖头为什么会这样。。。到底发生了什么事。。有人可以告诉我吗？

很多人都说我，看起来很强，也很凶。。很凶？还好吧。。其实我的外边和内在是360度不一样，我很笨，很心软，很八，很直，很模糊，很傻，很短见，很小气，和很爱面子。。唉唉唉。。很差劲吧，（某某人，你的眼光很差叻~）这统统都和我的外表恰恰相反，赞么！真的有点讨厌自己。。。

我很相信Sigmund Freud 的理论，现在的我们都是由小时候所造的，（唯除我外表，但也说不定。哎哟！）相信我儿时的发展不那么成功，都怪自己了。。。

这学期快走完了啦，我双指交叉，只盼一切顺顺利利，（想去问问神添~）。。如何疯狂结束这学期呢？XD

LOVe~

Although she said she don't want me to go back, but from her non-verbal behavior (sounds so pro~ cheh~ =P), i can see that she is so happy and proud that I was there.

When i fetch her out to the market, her smile was there the whole time. And of course, when she met her friends, she introduced me in a way like now-i-proudly-present-you!!!~ *maybe i over exaggerated a bit but it really felt that way.

She cooked so much food for me to bring back kampar. And they tasted so awesome! How could i not put you on the top of my I-LOVE-YOU list leh~ (of course it's not just because of food la LOL.)

I just wished I am going back sooooooon! :'(

you you you

OMG!!! i am so in love with you!!! muahahahaha~

i was browsing my friend's photo, your face appeared and so so so caught my attention (after so many times of browsing the same picture and finally!) !!!

clicked on your profile.. and checked out some of your info.. felt totally yippeeeee and decided to add as friend.. waited for your friend approval.. then dunno after how many dayssssssssssssss (just one or two nia~ hehe)... wow! you approved my request and left me a msg~~ so happy~ =))))))))))))))))) but we only chat a few words then that's all..

one thing one thing!!!! YOU ACTUALLY REMEMBERED MEEEEE!!!! (we were college-mates!) oh my GGGGGGGG! i was so surprised and happyyyyyy!

so sad now that i am not talking to you.. i miss you leh... yesterday i viewed your fb profile.. your pics.. your BLOG!! oh my oh my~ the way you express yourself~ your photos~ YOU WERE ON MY MIND FOR THE WHOLE NIGHT EVEN IN SLEEP!! wuhoo!

i am so gonna "fish" you leh~ hehehehe..

*p/s: msh msh, if you so happen to read this post, i can already imagine your reactions!! haha!!

滋润

刚刚看回自己自恋拍的照片时，发现笑得最灿烂的那些都是在那时候拍的。。终于明白什么叫爱情的滋润。。

Close Catch

There was this name commenting on that FB status. It looked/sounded very familiar. I was thinking thinking thinking and conclusion was I am not sure but it should be the ex, OMG. Went to her FB page, unable to view her photos or any details, then saw the link to her blog. The latest blog was "I still miss you a lot". My heart almost pounded out. Decided not to react so fast. Went through a few other posts, and then a "phew~"(with a deep breath). Totally relieved. Luckily I held my instant respond. Huhu.

Resolution Updates!! =)

OK, here's some review of my new year's resolution.

1. Study hard: GOod!! I think had some improvements this semester. I know I can do better, but little still count. Next semester will rOck!!

2. Diet: OMG! I think I gained weight like hell!! Really needa work harder leh. T.T

3. Love myself: Ermm... Still need to be improved, because I still emo like crazy. =(

4. Be healthier: Totally failed. I missed my doctor's appointments and stop my medication for God knows how long. I am afraid leh for my soon to come doctor's appointment.

5. New skills: Haiz... Learn new skills, belly dance? Aiyo, Kampar where got things to learn wo.

6. Boyfriend: In my dreams.

7. Save money: Spend more got la. >.<

8. Part time: Next semester la next semester la. =p

9. Train vocal: This semester choir is a bit dead. Haha.

10. Count my blessings: I did I guess. o.0

Like said before, 10 is really a lot. Pheww~~ I got like 7 months more to go. Jia you a chi chi!!!

压力

我告诉他：“你让我觉得很压力！”

他回答道：“你不是说没有人可以让你感到压力吗？就连你父亲都不能。”

我答 ：“所以话你好野咯。”

Another semester has just officially ended. In two weeks time, we will be staring a brand new one. Until now, only I realised that stress can really make us hectic. I have never felt so stressed in my whole life before, never. My year 2 sem 1 has just enlighten me what stress is and how torturing it can be. To tell the level of stress experiencing, go to the mirror and the answer is there. And take note of your sleeping condition, it tells you whether you are having stress.

Anxiety disorders patients will suffer from unrealistic, unfounded fear and anxiety. They will experience tension and hyperactive autonomic nervous system. However, anxiety is normal as it gives awareness to take important seriously and and be more alert to our surroundings. Overwhelm and intensive fear will developed into anxiety disorders.

Stress will eventually evolved into anxiety. However it still serve good to us to certain extent. As for my case here, yes it has given me awareness to take important issues more seriously and I've gained insights from it. Thanks to the person who have successfully given me all these stress that I've been seeking for. Seriously, before finals I really haven't felt any stress that motivate me to work harder. Now and in the future, I think having stress is not a problem for me. I hope I can do better in the coming semesters so that I wont disappoint the one person who loves me to the max. And really thank the person who enlighten me. =)

Cheers and enjoy the day. Guten tag!!

Special but Not

It should be special, but it's not.

Although things changed, but one thing remained.

the lesson i've learned today

To define what a person has learned and how one person has changed can be only done by people around, not own self. Frankly, this theory sounds weird but it makes sense. If one thinks that he or she has changed, it has to be seen by other people also. From what I was able to rationalized is that although he/she thought his/herself has changed, but without people around feeling it or noticing it, at the end of the day, it makes no differences. In chinese saying it's called “闭门造车”. If you are building a car without even bringing it on the road, the reliability of the car is very very low.

At the end of the day, the moral that was taught is let other people see what you have changed and how you have changed. If you think you have changed but NO ONE can notice it or feel it, it's equal to NO CHANGES. Start doing it from small things, it makes a difference.

colour pencils

Friends are like colour pencils,

They coloured our life.

I may not be your favourite colour,

but hope you will need me to complete your picture.

Your are a vital colour in my picture.

As our friendship began,

I will keep it deep inside my heart.

A forward message sent by a friend at the right time.

好想你

突然间觉得很压力

原因不明

拉开了抽屉

拿出你的光碟

房间播放着散漫的音乐节奏

那优雅的钢琴声

舒缓了我的头疼

解放了我的压力

好久没那样放松自己了

听着那些歌儿

满脑子播放着你的影像

好想你

~^@^~

Going back to KL tomorrow evening. Can't wait to see you!! I want a BIG hug from YOU ok!

Everything in one date

Another month passes. It falls on the last day of our Chinese lunar calendar, the Chinese reunion day. I wasn’t aware of it till my auntie wishes my cousin sister happy birthday and it reminds me of our friend’s birthday that falls on this day too. Everything coincidently falls on this date. Until I realised it, I wasn't able to explain why my mood was so off today.

I am not sure why I kept you reminded as each month passes. I think I am just too evil to also want you to feel this day with me. I shall stop reminding you of this date again. But when my rationality comes, telling myself I shouldn’t remind you and make you suffer on it, it’s already too late.

I still don’t know what I should do. I have been thinking more than usual these days, because I came to a point that I have to make some decision. However, no decision was made. It’s even difficult to make up my mind as of what we are doing now, yet I have no intension to stop it. I am such a terrible person.

Tomorrow is Chinese New Year already. I shall keep things aside and welcome it with a happy heart. I will stop thinking of it and enjoy my day. Valentine’s Day falls on tomorrow too, but it’s a lonely valentine for me. XD

Sorry

I felt very sorry for him because I always messed things up. I was the one to say keep things low but it turned out that everything is spreading out from my side.

Questions have been pondering in my mind. For the past one or two years, I have been showered with happiness and not a bit that I am appreciating it. Why? He has taught me a lot of things, correcting the way that should used to see the happenings. Teaching me how to appreciate my life, things that I have, enlighten me what a life I am living. I learn a lot by just talking to him, and I will not imagine how much I will gain if I am with him. It felt very comfortable talking to him. Like a big brother leading the sister, teaching and reminding what and how to do. No stress at all.

I am willing to give both a chance to make things work. But at times I felt I don't deserve to be loved by such a good person. I am not good. He deserved someone who is better, more tolerate and understanding. I am aware that I have no rights to judge what am I to him, but I am afraid I will hurt another guy again. Therefore I am here hesitating. If I start a new relationship, I would want it to not be complicated. All I want now is something simple.

At times I want love in my life, but there are also times that I want to be alone in life. I don't deserved what I am having but I am too afraid losing them. Discrepancy.

WY was right, I shouldn't crashed him with hopes till I am settled with the past.

TOTALLY PISSED!!

I AM OFFICIALLY LEGALLY PRACTICALLY REALLY AN ADULT FOR GOODNESS SAKE!! WHY DO MY DECISIONS ON CERTAIN MATTERS STILL NEED PERMISSIONS?? THE ONLY THING I AM LACK OFF IS FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCY!! IF I HAVE MY OWN FINANCE DEPENDENCY I DON'T FUCKING CARE ALREADY!! THIS IS THE REASON WHY I PUT HER IN FIRST PLACE INSTEAD OF YOU ALL!!

HOW LONG DO I NEED TO BE UNDER YOUR SUPERVISION? UNTILL THE DAY I GET MARRIED? THIS IS WHY I FREAKING WANNA STUDY IN KAMPAR!! AND YOU DON'T FREAKING KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE BUYING KTM TICKETS!!

DON'T F***ING SAY THOSE WORDS TO ME ANYMORE!! I AM FED UP LIVING UNDER YOUR SHADOW AND HOW MUCH I WANT TO GRAD FASTER AND LEAVE YOU!! YOU JUST TOOK MORE OF MY LOVE TO YOU AWAY AND STORED IT IN THE I-HATE-YOU SECTION!! WTF!!

Adapting Into The New

This morning I woke up crying. Because I have had a bad dream, a dream that I've once had before. I haven't been sleeping well these few days due to the new environment as I've moved into a new house with my friends. Will get through it in a few days time.

This semester would be a different semester as compared to the previous 3semesters. Firstly, I will really have to study hard to boost up my CGPA. And a friend said will be helping me with it, thanks. Secondly, it's my second year of degree. It could be considered as a new start. Lastly, I want to live more differently. Not as having just a plain life like before, but something that is worth to be marked in my history.

2010 RESOLUTION

I was thinking to write something that isn’t so…… Something more cheerful perhaps, something that when one reads it, there will be laughter or smile. I was thinking of my New Year resolution.

I’ve only started to make resolution last year. Not to say I’d never do it in the past, I’ve done it once when I was in senior 1. It was actually an English exercise. I was pretty shy with what I’d planned to achieve, and I don’t recall any of it that I’ve accomplished.

So here is the list of my 2010 resolution.

1. I got to really work my ass out in studies. No more time to have fun. I am too old for that. And also read the 10 novels I’ve bought before the coming semester ends!
2. Lose weight of course!! I am like the fattest cow on earth for goodness sake! Anyway, I am pretty much proud to shout out loud here. LOLX
3. Ok, the third one should learn to love myself more, which I have actually started to do so since the previous relationship. I mean I’ve gained slightly more confidence in myself, and I am proud of myself and the one who had helped me too!
4. Be healthier!!! Sleep early!!! Don’t want any more doctor’s appointments. And no more tests!!
5. This should be learning something new. I don’t think I am as versatile as some of my friends, so I want to learn something new. Belly dance perhaps? (ok, you can laugh all you want, I am cool seriously).
6. Get myself a BOYFRIEND!!! HAHA
7. Hrmm… oh oh oh, I know I know, save more money, meaning spend less!!
8. Get myself a part time please!! I am really gonna neeed the money.
9. Train my vocal for goodness sake!! I don’t want her to introduce me to her friend like saying “this is christabel, with the ‘鸡仔声’.”
10. Last one. Count my blessings it would be!!

Ten is a lot I am going to say! =D

I’ll do my best to achieve all of them, with every help I will be receiving from my family and friends!! I LOVE YALL!!!

p/s: hope yall enjoy reading!

Break Down

It all started since I came back from my Penang trip. It has been bad and the worst was to look strong outside and smile. I knew I would have a break down anytime soon and it all happened this morning before I went to bed which was 2am in the morning. It was the first time I'd really cried again since I stopped crying about a month ago.

I broke down, I cried, I felt pain, I was and am still depressed. The feeling sucks. Grey's Anotomy is helping it grow. I am such a dumb ass to keep watching it, but I just can't help myself.

What should I do now. I don't want to be happy, but I wanted happiness to be with others, at least be with him. That's the least I am asking for. Hope he's happy, smiling and living the life he wants. And me being able catch a glimpse. "noh H+!m 3^ol u! ll!+s wv I"