The End

There is nothing else that I can do since I've decided to let go. I know it very well deep in my heart. I need to face the reality. I have pushed myself to face the reality. I've put myself in the state to witness the truth with my bare eyes. Witnessing the truth was not easy at all. Yes, it almost killed me. But I managed to stand up again after the fall, with all the help from people around me. I would like to thank them here. I'd never thought I would received all these supports.

Here, I am awaken and given the guts to write it down. Even though I wanted to be sport and act like it was not affecting me. *yes, you've won this round.* However, I am a creation of nature that has all senses and nerves functioning damn well. I feel the pain. It really hurts. There ain't any reason for me to hide my feelings. I've cried over and over again every time I recall these painful memories. As the memories were wonderful as it were, the more pain I could feel. Let alone seeing the reality with my bare eyes.

I have realised that the cause of my pain don't not see the pain I suffered. That alone is another wound to me. Once again I felt like a fool. Shall I put it this way, the function of a knife is to cut or to slice things apart. Hence, it will not feel anything. It may sound harsh, but I'm not trying to be a bitch here. I am writing all these down and publishing them because I want to be fair to someone who deserved to know. And I would like to caution everyone that sometimes certain words and expressions and actions will be taken and interpreted in a serious manner. Even though it was said or done with the playing motive, but different people have different percertions and ways of interpretation. Things can get very bad when it is wrongly taken in.

All things shall end here. We have to move on and live our life. There shan't be any thing dragging or holding our life progress. For what had happened, we can't change any bit of it. But for what will be in future, it's all in up to us to make a different out of it. I am letting go everything. All I hope is to "preserve" all memories before they are rotten. I really don't want to make things worse. Let what is it be and move on.

"The time that we really grow is when we are uncomfortable."

This is a line that I received via sms from an anonymous insurances agent. I find it really touching as it came at the right time. Every time after I cried, I felt bit of relief. And I am able to perform slightly better than before. I grew.

beL

Please Hold Me

When therefore it shall happen,

as happen it will.

that you or I have dissapointed the expectation of the other,

you are not suppose that you have lost me

or that I intended to lose you;

nothing will remain

but to repair the fault,

and to go on as if it had never been commited.

Samuel Johnson,

essayist, 1709-1784

Concentration

I can't concentrate.

Woke up at 8.17am. Sat in front of my laptop. Played 海鸣威-feat 泳儿 我的回忆不是我的。Washed myself up and had my breakfast. Turned off my laptop so that I can pay all my attentions on my study. Took my notes, started staring at them. Managed to read two slides. Realised my drawer is very messy. Tidy my whole desk. Went back studying. Two more slides I've managed to read. Can't go on. Decided to write it down.

I can't concentrate.

My mind kept thinking of some other things. I thought I can put them down, at least for the time being. But it turned out that I can't. Knowing that the date is getting closer is killing me. I don't have the ability to prioritised. I know if I keep on acting this way I'm going to screw myself, my own destiny and future. I am struggling. I think I need pills.

beL

3 posts

1. It has been quite some times since I last blogged. I’d enjoyed blogging but supposed I’d enjoyed being lazy more.

I’ve been reading many people’s blog lately. There are some posts that I like it a lot. I really admire some bloggers as they are so brave to express their feelings and the way they expressed. I wanted to do so too, but due to some technical barriers and my own stubbornness and stupidity, I’ve ‘prevented’ myself from blogging. However, due to some recent happenings, I’ve decided to start my new blog site.

I now not only view blogging as a way to express my feelings and sharing but also to grow up and become more matured. I want to be independent and enjoy my life to the fullest. I want to have what everyone has and also what they don’t have. I am not trying to be greedy here, but aiming high!

2. It’s been three whole months since I’ve stepped into my university life. I really enjoyed the freedom that I have, being as an individual. What I am trying to say here is, I’ve been living under my parents’ protection for so long and having to live alone in Kampar is a life transition for me. I’ve always admire those who can leave home for their study or work. Having the all-full-100% freedom is something I don’t have since birth, in addition that I stayed in KL (due to low & insecure security level) with my very strict parents. But I understand that all they did are for my own good, so I am not a rebellious child,*proud*.

Ok, back to my point. Living alone in Kampar is really an experience that I will treasure. It’s totally different with college life. I realized that I’ve used a different strategy to live and interact with people. I was once a girl who is very extreme, I either get very pissed or I remained silence. I am trying my best to be different from who I was. I am saying this out loud because I don’t like the old me and I am in the changing process. I want to be a positive and “people-see-people-like” person. Having all those negative energy in me is making me no good.


3. Since I moved to Kampar, there were some positive changes in my body. I was maintaining quite well too. But due to the recent unstable emotional changes leading to my imbalance diet, my body is obviously not functioning as usual. I’m not sure whether I need to see a doctor.

This reminds me of a friend, a guy, whom surprised me when we talked over the phone once. I have no idea how did we linked to this topic.

“your period is on time or not?”
“don’t know le, I forgotten the dates already.”
“you want me to bring you to a gynae or not?”

This is the first time I’ve heard a GUY saying this topic in a serious manner (I’m pretty sure about it from his tone). I have never heard guys saying this to female friends. The most I’ve heard are guys making fun of girls on this topic. Plus, he is that cool-macho type. Thumbs up for this gentleman. It’s not easy for guys to seriously talk about things like that.

Well, I would say this is due to our culture. For me, I am able to accept conversation like this, feeling a very tiny little bit of awkward though. Still, I think it’s acceptable. But somehow for the society, it’s not easy to talk over stuff like that. We should actually change this kind of thinking and perceptions to a more open-minded society. Define open-minded.

sorry to start with such long post. hope you'd enjoyed it.

Stop here. Have a nice day.

beL