Everything in one date

Another month passes. It falls on the last day of our Chinese lunar calendar, the Chinese reunion day. I wasn’t aware of it till my auntie wishes my cousin sister happy birthday and it reminds me of our friend’s birthday that falls on this day too. Everything coincidently falls on this date. Until I realised it, I wasn't able to explain why my mood was so off today.

I am not sure why I kept you reminded as each month passes. I think I am just too evil to also want you to feel this day with me. I shall stop reminding you of this date again. But when my rationality comes, telling myself I shouldn’t remind you and make you suffer on it, it’s already too late.

I still don’t know what I should do. I have been thinking more than usual these days, because I came to a point that I have to make some decision. However, no decision was made. It’s even difficult to make up my mind as of what we are doing now, yet I have no intension to stop it. I am such a terrible person.

Tomorrow is Chinese New Year already. I shall keep things aside and welcome it with a happy heart. I will stop thinking of it and enjoy my day. Valentine’s Day falls on tomorrow too, but it’s a lonely valentine for me. XD

Sorry

I felt very sorry for him because I always messed things up. I was the one to say keep things low but it turned out that everything is spreading out from my side.

Questions have been pondering in my mind. For the past one or two years, I have been showered with happiness and not a bit that I am appreciating it. Why? He has taught me a lot of things, correcting the way that should used to see the happenings. Teaching me how to appreciate my life, things that I have, enlighten me what a life I am living. I learn a lot by just talking to him, and I will not imagine how much I will gain if I am with him. It felt very comfortable talking to him. Like a big brother leading the sister, teaching and reminding what and how to do. No stress at all.

I am willing to give both a chance to make things work. But at times I felt I don't deserve to be loved by such a good person. I am not good. He deserved someone who is better, more tolerate and understanding. I am aware that I have no rights to judge what am I to him, but I am afraid I will hurt another guy again. Therefore I am here hesitating. If I start a new relationship, I would want it to not be complicated. All I want now is something simple.

At times I want love in my life, but there are also times that I want to be alone in life. I don't deserved what I am having but I am too afraid losing them. Discrepancy.

WY was right, I shouldn't crashed him with hopes till I am settled with the past.

TOTALLY PISSED!!

I AM OFFICIALLY LEGALLY PRACTICALLY REALLY AN ADULT FOR GOODNESS SAKE!! WHY DO MY DECISIONS ON CERTAIN MATTERS STILL NEED PERMISSIONS?? THE ONLY THING I AM LACK OFF IS FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCY!! IF I HAVE MY OWN FINANCE DEPENDENCY I DON'T FUCKING CARE ALREADY!! THIS IS THE REASON WHY I PUT HER IN FIRST PLACE INSTEAD OF YOU ALL!!

HOW LONG DO I NEED TO BE UNDER YOUR SUPERVISION? UNTILL THE DAY I GET MARRIED? THIS IS WHY I FREAKING WANNA STUDY IN KAMPAR!! AND YOU DON'T FREAKING KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE BUYING KTM TICKETS!!

DON'T F***ING SAY THOSE WORDS TO ME ANYMORE!! I AM FED UP LIVING UNDER YOUR SHADOW AND HOW MUCH I WANT TO GRAD FASTER AND LEAVE YOU!! YOU JUST TOOK MORE OF MY LOVE TO YOU AWAY AND STORED IT IN THE I-HATE-YOU SECTION!! WTF!!