~^@^~

Going back to KL tomorrow evening. Can't wait to see you!! I want a BIG hug from YOU ok!

Everything in one date

Another month passes. It falls on the last day of our Chinese lunar calendar, the Chinese reunion day. I wasn’t aware of it till my auntie wishes my cousin sister happy birthday and it reminds me of our friend’s birthday that falls on this day too. Everything coincidently falls on this date. Until I realised it, I wasn't able to explain why my mood was so off today.

I am not sure why I kept you reminded as each month passes. I think I am just too evil to also want you to feel this day with me. I shall stop reminding you of this date again. But when my rationality comes, telling myself I shouldn’t remind you and make you suffer on it, it’s already too late.

I still don’t know what I should do. I have been thinking more than usual these days, because I came to a point that I have to make some decision. However, no decision was made. It’s even difficult to make up my mind as of what we are doing now, yet I have no intension to stop it. I am such a terrible person.

Tomorrow is Chinese New Year already. I shall keep things aside and welcome it with a happy heart. I will stop thinking of it and enjoy my day. Valentine’s Day falls on tomorrow too, but it’s a lonely valentine for me. XD

Sorry

I felt very sorry for him because I always messed things up. I was the one to say keep things low but it turned out that everything is spreading out from my side.

Questions have been pondering in my mind. For the past one or two years, I have been showered with happiness and not a bit that I am appreciating it. Why? He has taught me a lot of things, correcting the way that should used to see the happenings. Teaching me how to appreciate my life, things that I have, enlighten me what a life I am living. I learn a lot by just talking to him, and I will not imagine how much I will gain if I am with him. It felt very comfortable talking to him. Like a big brother leading the sister, teaching and reminding what and how to do. No stress at all.

I am willing to give both a chance to make things work. But at times I felt I don't deserve to be loved by such a good person. I am not good. He deserved someone who is better, more tolerate and understanding. I am aware that I have no rights to judge what am I to him, but I am afraid I will hurt another guy again. Therefore I am here hesitating. If I start a new relationship, I would want it to not be complicated. All I want now is something simple.

At times I want love in my life, but there are also times that I want to be alone in life. I don't deserved what I am having but I am too afraid losing them. Discrepancy.

WY was right, I shouldn't crashed him with hopes till I am settled with the past.

TOTALLY PISSED!!

I AM OFFICIALLY LEGALLY PRACTICALLY REALLY AN ADULT FOR GOODNESS SAKE!! WHY DO MY DECISIONS ON CERTAIN MATTERS STILL NEED PERMISSIONS?? THE ONLY THING I AM LACK OFF IS FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCY!! IF I HAVE MY OWN FINANCE DEPENDENCY I DON'T FUCKING CARE ALREADY!! THIS IS THE REASON WHY I PUT HER IN FIRST PLACE INSTEAD OF YOU ALL!!

HOW LONG DO I NEED TO BE UNDER YOUR SUPERVISION? UNTILL THE DAY I GET MARRIED? THIS IS WHY I FREAKING WANNA STUDY IN KAMPAR!! AND YOU DON'T FREAKING KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE BUYING KTM TICKETS!!

DON'T F***ING SAY THOSE WORDS TO ME ANYMORE!! I AM FED UP LIVING UNDER YOUR SHADOW AND HOW MUCH I WANT TO GRAD FASTER AND LEAVE YOU!! YOU JUST TOOK MORE OF MY LOVE TO YOU AWAY AND STORED IT IN THE I-HATE-YOU SECTION!! WTF!!

Adapting Into The New

This morning I woke up crying. Because I have had a bad dream, a dream that I've once had before. I haven't been sleeping well these few days due to the new environment as I've moved into a new house with my friends. Will get through it in a few days time.

This semester would be a different semester as compared to the previous 3semesters. Firstly, I will really have to study hard to boost up my CGPA. And a friend said will be helping me with it, thanks. Secondly, it's my second year of degree. It could be considered as a new start. Lastly, I want to live more differently. Not as having just a plain life like before, but something that is worth to be marked in my history.

2010 RESOLUTION

I was thinking to write something that isn’t so…… Something more cheerful perhaps, something that when one reads it, there will be laughter or smile. I was thinking of my New Year resolution.

I’ve only started to make resolution last year. Not to say I’d never do it in the past, I’ve done it once when I was in senior 1. It was actually an English exercise. I was pretty shy with what I’d planned to achieve, and I don’t recall any of it that I’ve accomplished.

So here is the list of my 2010 resolution.

1. I got to really work my ass out in studies. No more time to have fun. I am too old for that. And also read the 10 novels I’ve bought before the coming semester ends!
2. Lose weight of course!! I am like the fattest cow on earth for goodness sake! Anyway, I am pretty much proud to shout out loud here. LOLX
3. Ok, the third one should learn to love myself more, which I have actually started to do so since the previous relationship. I mean I’ve gained slightly more confidence in myself, and I am proud of myself and the one who had helped me too!
4. Be healthier!!! Sleep early!!! Don’t want any more doctor’s appointments. And no more tests!!
5. This should be learning something new. I don’t think I am as versatile as some of my friends, so I want to learn something new. Belly dance perhaps? (ok, you can laugh all you want, I am cool seriously).
6. Get myself a BOYFRIEND!!! HAHA
7. Hrmm… oh oh oh, I know I know, save more money, meaning spend less!!
8. Get myself a part time please!! I am really gonna neeed the money.
9. Train my vocal for goodness sake!! I don’t want her to introduce me to her friend like saying “this is christabel, with the ‘鸡仔声’.”
10. Last one. Count my blessings it would be!!

Ten is a lot I am going to say! =D

I’ll do my best to achieve all of them, with every help I will be receiving from my family and friends!! I LOVE YALL!!!

p/s: hope yall enjoy reading!

Break Down

It all started since I came back from my Penang trip. It has been bad and the worst was to look strong outside and smile. I knew I would have a break down anytime soon and it all happened this morning before I went to bed which was 2am in the morning. It was the first time I'd really cried again since I stopped crying about a month ago.

I broke down, I cried, I felt pain, I was and am still depressed. The feeling sucks. Grey's Anotomy is helping it grow. I am such a dumb ass to keep watching it, but I just can't help myself.

What should I do now. I don't want to be happy, but I wanted happiness to be with others, at least be with him. That's the least I am asking for. Hope he's happy, smiling and living the life he wants. And me being able catch a glimpse. "noh H+!m 3^ol u! ll!+s wv I"