**Love LOVE

Job Hunt

2012-01-21T23:51:00.000+08:00

G.R.A.D.U.A.T.E.D.

Well, finishing degree is sort of a big deal at this age (personally).

I mean it's the baby stage to our 30-40years of working life.

So starting with a good job is important.

Browsing through FB and realized that my batch is very hardworking hunting for jobs.
There are them who are considering their offers, to accept or not.
There are them who are waiting for responses upon their applications.
There are them who are still wondering Jobstreet, JobDB and etc, looking for what they want.
There are them who are rotting at home, and thinking of their future.
There are them who are waiting for CNY then start working.

Technically, I've already "found" my first job!
It's a recruitment agency for studying abroad.
This is a new born agency to aid students who wish to study overseas, mainly U.K.
Services provided for the students are basically free of charge.
In short, I am more or less still in my field, Counseling and Education.
And also in the circle where I'll pursue my postgraduate study later.
Well, I'll just work for awhile and see where faith brings me.

Wish all hunters best of luck~!

2012

2012-01-04T00:52:00.001+08:00

Happy New 2012!!!
A brand new year is here!
New resolutions, new environment, and new life!

2012 is the year where we (the psychos I am referring) step into a brand new stage of life.
A stage where we are joining the real world,
Stepping into the grown-up world, fitting into new social roles,
i.e, employer/employee, marriage and so on.
Also picking up new social responsibilities,
i.e, car loans, housing loans, insurances, and as the list goes.
Should they sound challenging?
We'll reveal them soon enough.
Hopefully we have not return our critical skills, coping strategies and stress management skills back to the lecturers.
Best wishes to everyone!

Have you made your 2012 new year resolutions?
Mine is to work hard, work hard and work hard!
All the Best to everyone.

With Love,
Bel Chi.

Degree

2011-12-23T17:21:00.002+08:00

After struggling for three years, things has finally marked an end.
There goes my three years of degree.
It was harder than expected to say bye to everyone.
And the most significant and embarrassing thing I've done is cried after clubbing, in the face of three men.
It was stupid enough!

I really thank everyone who came into my life.
Without everyone of them, my degree wouldn't be so memorable.
I've went to Kampar thinking only to complete my degree and leave.
It was that simple, no other thoughts.
When I left Kampar, I brought my degree and more souvenirs along, Love, Friendships and Memories.
Special thanks to my bunch of darlings whom we've cried, laughed, and been through ups and downs together.
I'll love you people forever.
And I wish everyone a bright future ahead.

I've done my three-years planning.
I want and will complete my masters in these three years;
I want and will start my own business;
I want and will equipped myself with talents;
I want and will save a large amount of money as possible;
I want and will travel oversea at least once a year on my own expense;
I want and will buy a car of my own;
And I want and will be independent and happy.

All the best to my degree-mates, and myself!

Regards with LOL,
Bel.

December

2011-12-01T22:52:00.001+08:00

It's 1st of December.
It reminds me of Christmas.
Not just me perhaps, it's everyone.
There has been so many of them talking about Christmas as I scrolled on my FB page.
I'd like Christmas even though I am not a Christian.
Simply because it gives me a very happy feeling.

"It's the most wonderful time of the year"

by Andy Williams

A very classical voice.

His voice can really touches your heart.

I don't know him much though.

I came across with this guy few months back.

Because of the song "Moon River" and "Love Story".
Amazing singing and lyrics.

Anyways, Christmas is around.

Hope everyone, especially to those who are celebrating, will enjoy this wonderful month.

Sweet Dreams.

Joys & Worries

2011-11-29T00:52:00.000+08:00

Joy.
I have finally handed in my FYP.
It has put a full stop to my degree life.
Last assignment, last presentation, last tutorial, last lecture and last exam.
It's a great relieve if you know what I mean.
A transition to another life stage.

Worries.
1. How will my last last-minute-work mark my degree achievement?
2. How am I going to build up my career?
3. I don't want to grow old, can?

Ciao~

Simply Thank You.

2011-11-21T05:23:00.001+08:00

Thank you for being with me when I was caught in the mess.

Thank you for worrying about me.

Thank you for motivating me.

Thank you for not giving me up.

Thank you for being there for me.

I just want you to know I really appreciate everything you did.

Thank you with all love.

你把我灌醉

2011-11-19T02:29:00.000+08:00

小的有很久没有更新了。
其实有一点很没有头绪要写什么，然后看了几个小朋友的blog有点感触。
所以！所以！就用华语来写了。嘻嘻~

近这两个礼拜真的很忙很忙。
每天都只睡四，五个小时而已。
都托FYP的福，赶啊赶啊。
就不停的在赶，唉，临时抱佛脚是这样的啦。
这样的生活还要熬多一个礼拜。
再来个考试，小的的人生又要步入另一个阶段了。
真的不可以不认老了。
但是还是很开心，因为可以和那群朋友度过。
NKT，CSG，KGW，KKH，LSX，CZY，LPY，TSF，LYC，COY，辛苦你们了，谢谢。

昨天跟了大家去看戏，《那些年》。
真的很有感触，加上某&某看到哭，结果三个傻婆哭到 fi 哩 fe 叻的。
可是真的很好看。
那首毕业歌一播，小的就开始眼湿湿了。
小的觉得故事还好而已，反而是里头的那些小细节让小的有感触吧。
一些让大家忆起陈年往事的情节，一些大家都希望会发生在自己身上的情节。
（有点在听黑胶唱片的感觉~）

小的很喜欢“回忆”的感觉。
换句话说，其实“回忆”对小的而言很重要。
因为想当年某些因素，其实小的是没有童年，也没有青春的。
这是小的人生大大的遗憾啊。唉~

这几天和这几年，小的学会了几个人生的大大道理。
#小一，过去的遗憾就让它住进回忆里。把今天活得好，写在历史里。
#小二，四个字，人情世故。
#小三，BE CONTENDED AND SHOW GRATITUDE.

夜里，回忆和思念把我灌醉。
*蔡琴，恰是你的温柔-ing*

Loaded, Bloated.

2011-10-13T23:51:00.000+08:00

It's been almost a month since I last written down anything.

#1
It's been a month since semester ended. Have practically done nothing in this 4 weeks. One week to Malacca, one week back to Kampar to do my assignment, 2 weeks home doing nothing but eat, sleep, net surfing and badminton. It really sucked doing nothing throughout the 2 weeks, but what the heck, it's my last semester break. :))

#2
Really wanna cry for my results. Simply disappointed, but it wont change the fact. Last semester, how am I going to cope it?

#3
FYP. I don't like you. I hate you. But you are too important to me, so I have to Love you. Please, let us work things out kay.

#4
My urge to have my own baby is growing everyday. I simply love babies. Waiting to have my own baby. A silly thought came across my mind once, to get knocked up and be a single mother. How silly.
Although I like being in a relationship, but somehow it scares me a lil. Have not been handling my past relationships well, so the feeling of insecure is there.
Well, I am awaiting for the right one to come by with no rush even though the baby-urge is strong. Someone taught me that things can wait until the time comes. :))

#5
I wanna go Melb, Swiss, Sin, Taiwan and many places. Next year, I'll start realizing them one by one. Melb will be the first stop! :)
And I really have to make up some reunion plans with the long-lost friends.

Auf Wiedersehen und Bis Dann
Love, Bel.

Reflecting.

2011-09-16T02:06:00.000+08:00

I don't think I am a very kind nor positive person.
Sometime, or maybe all the times, I am somewhat self-centered.
I am definitely not a very low profile person.
And my very low EQ is not doing me any good.
I strongly believe that my childhood shaped what I am today.
(am I blaming my parents indirectly?)
Despite of the past, what is best to do now is learn to be a BetterMan and Love Life.

Short messages :

0.5. I think I fell into your trap. Will you guide me through it?

Hi-Bye Friend? Just a few words for you, things don't just happened like that. Do some reflective thinking on your own behaviors and do use a bit of your brain. Not trying to be sarcastic or harsh, but you really do need it. You are a decent girl, but your -ve overtaken the +ve.

People. Do enlighten me if I have irrationals. It may take some time for me to adapt and change, however I really would appreciate it. If you feel awkward telling me in face, do drop me a sms. Thank you and cheers.

Feel My Heartbeat
Aal Izz Well.

Mid-Autumn Festival

2011-09-12T17:15:00.001+08:00

今天是农历中秋节，愿大家中秋节快乐，人月两团圆！

这三年来，几乎每逢佳节，我人都在外地。
偶尔还真的想念在家里过节的日子。

虽然如此，我和屋友们还是有庆祝一番。
三更半夜去打包了一大堆下酒菜，喝酒庆祝。
至于月饼呢，我们下午就吃了。哈哈！
所以，陪酒的月饼是从怡保运来的"omochi"。
(谢谢peh ling!)
Smurfed the day!

use of alcohol!

and "other drugs"!

see the green and purple 'omochi'? that's our "mooncake"!

出色废人五人组！

playing "truth or dare"!

*shall never play this game anymore!

candles and beers.

There goes our lantern/ mid-autumn/ mooncake fest!

It was smurfingly fun and smurfingly horrible!

Hahaha!

Thank you to the Crazy-5 for giving me such memorable and crazy memory!

Love you guys loads. F4 + BFF!

Feel My HeartBeat.

Aal Izz Well.

Exam Exam Exam

2011-09-08T18:21:00.000+08:00

After 8months away from exam, we are finally sitting in the exam hall AGAIN.

This is the first time ever I felt the stress so so so much.
Worse than the previous time.
So much that I became nervous and unable to stay rational.
I got mad with my "0.5" and my sis.
Sorry, ngo ngm hei tuck dang ga.

I didn't do well in my Social Psy.
Lack of time to answer and have not studied enough.
Must do better in the coming papers!!
*Fighting!
Awaiting for tomorrow~~

Short Messages:

J, Please stop. It's not going to work. Enough is enough. Don't push me, I am not ready. Not your problem, but mine. Sorry.

Black Salad, Thank you for being all ears for me throughout the week. Really appreciate. Thanks. Love you. =)

Egg, I am really really happy for you. Love. =)

"0.5", Hope things will get better with You. I really see you trying. Thank you. Heartsss.

Feel My HeartBeat.
Aal Izz Well.

Irrational

2011-09-05T02:32:00.001+08:00

*do ignore my grammatical error*

#During the night.

Feeling better after study group.

Had some laugh over there.

People,

I am not angry, really.

Many unexpected came up.

All at the same time.

I couldn't digest it yet.

Sorry if I've upset anyone.

I didn't mean it.

Really Sorry Sorry.

I'll bounce back soon.

Feel my HeartBeat

Aal Izz Well.

Disappointment

2011-09-04T03:51:00.000+08:00

Feeling so disappointed with myself.
Really cannot stand anymore.

Why I am always so SoZai to believe in people around me so easily?
Why weren't I learn to be more smart?
Why did I allowed myself to be fooled?
Why Why Why?

It's not the first time to be in these kinda situations.
I really don't like it.
I hate it.
My furious is not aggressive.
I just want to cry to release my furious.

How to become Smarter?
How to Trust the Right person?
I feel useless.
I don't want to become SoZai anymore.

I really want to cry.
I really need to cry.
I just want to cry out loudly.
Can I cry?
How to Cry?

Today I don't feel well.
My heart is not well.

Runaway

2011-09-02T02:33:00.001+08:00

A runaway to the unfamiliar.
It was totally great.
I enjoyed.
Thank you for bringing me there.

It was an amazing experience.
To get in touch with the big family.
To step into a warm, fun and nice environment.
Although it wasn't all favorable scene.
But they were all very down to earth experiences.
I'd really enjoyed it. =))
(Yes, including the left alone part.)

The main reason joining the family occasion was mainly to see the full-month baby girl. =)
Her name is Kiddie.
She is a very active and notty little baby.
She is really very cute, she cries when she bath and stop right after finish bathing. =D
Kiddie is the first 3rd generation of the family.
Which means she is currently the "pearl in the palm" (掌上明珠）.

Day 1 - Stepping into the house~

(Isn't she just adorableeeeeeee~)

Day 4 - The Big Family Dinner.

Pieces of the Dinner~

(Trying to fit as much as possible into one piece =P)

Lovely trip.

Hoping for the next one.

Feel My HeartBeat.

Aal Izz Well.

Heavy Hearted

2011-08-26T11:47:00.000+08:00

Guten Tag!

It was such a heavy morning.

Said goodbye to my beloveds.

Heart felt so heavy when we were waiting for the bus to arrive.

Saying goodbye became so hard for the first time.

Felt so much like crying when I see them leaving.

They are just going back home for the weekend but somehow it felt so different.

As though we are leaving this place and don't know when are we meeting again.

I don't like this kinda feeling.

I'll be alright after a lil while, everyone will be.

Because we are constantly adapting to the changes of environment and surroundings.

That's why we have to appreciate what we have at the present.

I am missing everyone!!

Feel My HeartBeat.

Aal Izz Well.

Confession

2011-08-23T17:25:00.000+08:00

I am a lil confused with what's happening around me.
Sometimes I think I am too sensitive.
And I'll either stay silence or I just don't give a damn.
But what is it to me is not what it is to others.
Well, I just hope things get better sooner or later.

A Friend,
Hope you will be fine and find the balance in everything.
If I so happened to upset you,
I am really sorry.

Someone,
If you so happened to read this, yes, I am writing for you.
Sorry for what happened. It's been almost 2months.
Hope you are doing well. Do take care.

You,
How are you?
You really scare me the other night.
I hope you are doing really fine and happy with life and work.
I miss you THAT much, you know it well.
Talk to me more or let me talk more to you yea. =)

D,
You know what I want.
But there are so much complications.
BTW, looking forward to see her.
=)

Feel My HeartBeat.
Aal Izz Well.

Light Bulb Moment #2

2011-08-19T10:53:00.000+08:00

When we are having a very tired physical,
Do Not Try To Solve Any Problem.

Very tired physical is to say after a big round of work or entertainment.
Not the after-work-out/exercise type of exhaustion.
It's the kind where you have used up all your brain juice or emotion.
*I find exercising refreshes mind and body. =)

Why?
I'd realized when I came down with such condition,
I'll become very emotionally unstable.
My mind became Even more irrational than it used to be during normal times.
Sometimes these irrationality made me cry.

I am not sure if it applies to everyone,
but logically I think it does.

So when you are exhausted, rest your mind and body before you continue your work.
Hit the gym, meditate or take a nap would really help.

Feel my HeartBeat.
Aal Izz Well.

Small Relief

2011-08-17T01:02:00.000+08:00

This semester has finally come to an end.
All assignments have been presented and handed up.
Applied psychology was especially tiring.
It's time to concentrate on finals and FYP.
I hate FYP like hell.
Hope I can cope with it well and graduate smoothly!

I skipped my practice for 3 days.
Simply too tired.
Must continue tomorrow!

Luckily today is public holiday, so I get to have a good rest.
Yet I still have to be driver early in the morning. :')

*Sun will shine again after the rain.

Sleep.
Feel my Exhaustion.
Aal Izz Well.

Tired

2011-08-13T02:08:00.000+08:00

Felt exhausted lately.
Is my body dysfunctioning or what?
Today, is especially tired.
Did so much things.
Finally I can sleep earlier tonight.
I know it's still late, but this is the best I can go so far~
Need to improve my lifestyle.

To You,
Thank you for telling me.
And don't tempt me, I can't resist.

Nightzzz.
Feel my HeartBeat.
Aal Izz Well.

Happy Chinese Valentines

2011-08-06T23:56:00.000+08:00

Today is Chinese Valentines Day.
Girls have another reason to celebrate with their loves one. =P

This day actually falls on the 7th day of the 7th lunar month in the Chinese calender. A Chinese ancient love story where the 7th daughter of the Goddess of Heaven, ZhiNu fall in love with an orphaned cowherd, NiuLang. Her mother, Goddess of heaven found out and demanded her to return to heaven. NiuLang was told by his ox to kill it and put on its skin to reach ZhiNu. They finally met but, the Goddess got angry and scratched a wide river in the sky to separate the two lovers forever, forming the Milky way between Altair and Vega. The magpies in the world would take pity on them and fly up to heaven, forming a bridge on this day once a year so the lovers may be together for a single night.

I didn't bother to take note of this day.
Because I am Single. XD
Spent my whole day with my Family.
Bla Bla Bla.
My mind is so blank now. Hehe.
Needa go "gao gao chu", because tomorrow need to wake up earlier than my dad to wash my 'aeroplane'~

NightzZzz peeps~
七夕情人节快乐~
*MSH, I want to celebrate valentines day with you~! ♥ *

Feel my Heartbeat,
Aal Izz Well.

Light Bulb Moment #1

2011-08-02T10:05:00.000+08:00

不看，不闻，不理，不想，不不不。

原来也可以是很好的良药。

=))

Another Month

2011-07-31T20:34:00.004+08:00

It's touching the month of August.
Time flies, so fast.
It felt like CNY just ended (over exaggeration XD ).

Looking at the thinning calender reminds me of my age.
Two days back, heard a caller called in to 988,
Saying she has reached the age to support her family, need to build a career.
because she's ALREADY 19 for goodness sake!
Me and my mates stoned.
Not because she has a "matured thought", opposite instead.
She just didn't want to study anymore.
She has no idea what she wants, her interest.
Practically knowing nothing about herself.
Sigh.

It's time to review my dream NOW!
Graduating this year means I will step into the working world in 5months time.
And I am still not prepared.
Have to get myself prepared already!
*Fighting!

*single eyelid*

beL
Aal Izz Well
=))

Reminding Myself

2011-07-29T00:23:00.000+08:00

My mind couldn't stop thinking about it.
But I have to remind myself
Aal Izz Well.
Don't give up.
You can do it!

The sun will shine again~!

Aal Izz Well.
=))

Be Strong!!!

2011-07-26T21:38:00.001+08:00

I am very fragile.
If you have known me, you will get what I mean.
I really need to be strong and critical.
Not saying that I cannot stand on my own feet
but every time when something hit me
I fall apart easily
and would take a long time to stand up again.
I don't like this, I must be strong.

*Supposed this is one of the reason.*

I have 5months to train myself.
Equipped myself in becoming Confidence and Stronger.

*梁文音，我不是你想象那么坚强*

I know I can do it!
*this time is for real, no more collapsing!!*
Because there are people around that will support me.
Even though they might not be beside me all the time.
Even though there is just one person.
I think they will me happy for me when I really grow up.
Isn't it? =))

Today is the 3rd month.
I am still counting the days although it ****s.

I miss you, msh!
and YOU too!!
: ))

Aal Izz Well

Fragile Mood

2011-07-21T22:17:00.000+08:00

It was supposed to be a joyful day
as we visit to Hospital Bahagia (a.k.a Tanjung Rambutan),
the biggest mental illness hospital in m'sia.
Because we are going to experience and learn new things.

Somehow things just didn't go right for us,
the poor time management made us rush like mad,
the weather was evil,
all sort of stuff happened.

*Zee Avi, Bitter Heart*

*a very relaxing voice recommended by WJ*

Moods got heavier with some extra spices added.
Arguments and misunderstandings.
Made people almost collapse.
Neither a soft nor a sentimental song can cure.
I just wish there is a shoulder that I can lean on,
15minutes will do.
Is that too much to ask for?

Today, I need You. :'(

Adapting

2011-07-20T03:10:00.001+08:00

I am getting used to my New Life.

I want to live on my own

Learn to Love myself before loving You.

I don't know who You will be

because You live in Future.

Now I need to learn to live my life

be Gratitude to what I have

and Love people around me.

*ordinary miracle*

*life is like a gift they say, wrapped up for you everyday*

Kept reminding myself

to appreciate Life

Learn and Love Life.

=))

Aal Izz Well.

Motivation

2011-07-19T12:55:00.001+08:00

Been through many happenings lately.

Happy and Sad.

So much of it that I can barely breath.

But I had something to hold on.

Because I still believe.

*I'll be strong again =))*

I'll have to live on my own now.

It's like cooking a dish of my own choice.

Not adding anything of other's choice but my own.

I am Learning.

Looking at the bright side,

I still have my Family

who supported me unconditionally.

I still have my Friends

who listened to me when I needed them.

I still have a Future

where I will paint it with my Family and Friends.

I'll let go of Fear

because it held me back from moving on

because it held me back from being who I am

because it does me no good.

To all my Family and Friends out there

Thank you for showing your support when I needed You.

You are my Motivation to live better.

Thank You.

With all Love,

Aal Izz Well

Overwhelmed

2011-07-17T21:54:00.001+08:00

A very very long and honest talk

with a friend who paid a surprised visit after she graduated.

The last time seeing her was on her graduation ceremony.

。

One topic in common will let you heat another pot of tea.

Somehow it felt so much better talking to someone who is in the same boat.

Empathy takes place easily and makes each felt warm.

It helps but not too much though.

The best medicine is still Time.

。

*They walked me through this adventure, but I left them*

。

A great adventure to Gua Tempurung with course mates.

It wasn't too tiring for me,

but everyone seemed exhausted. =P

The expedition took 3.5hours.

Stairs > Rocks > Water > Sand

Ain't a sand-lover,

but did the Best completing it.

。

Credits doesn't belong to me

but my mates.

They shown the power of Teamwork and Friendship.

Special thanks to "Kacang" and "Rojak"

They held my hands through the journey.

Thank You.

。

Time to get back to work after all the fun.

*photos taken from TY, thanks*

Aal Izz Well.

Habits

2011-07-16T16:20:00.000+08:00

There are things that I will still do

Simply because they are habits

No other reasons ( ok, maybe some)

Actions come before thoughts

Sometimes it's amazing to see how human behave.

These automatic functioning just take place without realizing.

There is a psychological term for this, but it hasn't come across my mind, yet. :P

Habits will change

Pain will go

Nothing to fear

It's just the matter of time

We learn from every happening event

They are called lessons

And they are stored in Memory

With Love,
Aal Izz Well

We grew up with these

2011-07-14T22:32:00.001+08:00

Memories recall

Sweet in hearts

Smiles on faces

We walked together

We ran together

We smiled together

We loved together

We Friends FOREVER~

we're all in this together~

the four heavenly kings~

happy family~

sisters forever~

little things in life~

Aal Izz Well

Regret

2011-07-01T23:22:00.001+08:00

On the girl's birthday, the only thing the boyfriend did was wishing her 'happy birthday'.
That was all, 3 birthdays.

Deep in the girl's heart, she was so desperate to have her boyfriend to celebrate her birthday for her, at least once.
But
This wish will forever be a regret.

Trust

2011-07-01T01:37:00.000+08:00

After one day of calming down and numb my mind with other things, I managed to calm the heart down.
This morning when I woke up, my first thought was that issue.
But I told myself to have faith with it.
I trusted.

...

After calming down and re-read the post,
have I been too sensitive?
or
I hit the bull's eye?

I really don't know.
I just hope there would be an answer for me.

Dilemma

2011-06-30T02:47:00.000+08:00

Couldn't reach a balancing point.
I wish I am able to hear the answer.

Have you been completely honest?
What exactly are you having in mind?

Felt totally confused now.
Couldn't breath.
Desperate for the answer.
I don't want anything.
Just the answer will do.
To feed my curiosity maybe.

I am confused now.
Couldn't produce anything.
I kept telling myself to believe.
Trying very hard.
But my heart and brain are just so fragile and weak.

I guess I'll just go to bed.
Aal izz well.
Aal izz well.

Back to KC

2011-06-18T12:34:00.000+08:00

Went back to KC today. mainly to collect my cheque.
Saw lots of familiar faces which then reminded me that I used to be sitting in that office for 5 whole months.
Simply misses those days.

Felt guilty because I visited in a hurry and have not bring any "hand letters" back.
Told myself must visit again and with handful of gifts. Haha.

I miss the kids so much. :(

Aal Izz Well.

It's a beautiful day

2011-06-14T13:58:00.000+08:00

It’s A Beautiful Day

熟悉的花店滲著香氣

昨天應該很刺鼻

路邊的光景我從不理　

卻察覺有份明媚

難堪別離　遲歸晚起　

因信奉缺憾美交上了傷悲

沉溺後期　能吃不味　

一瞬直覺贈我重生的勇氣

It’s A Beautiful Day　我竟不知

It’s A Beautiful Day　驗證一次

雨後陽光的意義　微笑過日子

It’s A Beautiful Day　換上新衣

It’s A Beautiful Day　別再失意

製造人間的美事　才算有大志

人觀入微　有驚有喜　

於碎事細部裡找到了心機

留些日期　遊覽天地　

陰雨亦覺是美才可找到你

It’s A Beautiful Day　我竟不知

It’s A Beautiful Day　驗證一次

雨後陽光的意義　微笑過日子

It’s A Beautiful Day　這裡開始

It’s A Beautiful Day　沒有終止

這是奇蹟的意義　微笑裡會意

In Every Way　Enjoy The Day

After 3 months

2011-06-14T13:33:00.003+08:00

It's been so long again since I last left words here. It's time to pick up the words.

Many things happened throughout this period of time. 3months is neither short or a long period, but many things changed. It's 360degree changes. Anyhow, things changed and will not go back to what it was at the first place, so I'll just accept it and live through it. =)

Today I went campus to see my supervisor for FYP.

Things went well, Mr. Yusof was very helpful. Thanks.

I had a short chat with the person who drove me around.

Was a meaningful chat. I am still amazed with that brain seriously.

Things I've learned from the talk:-

We all changed, grown matured (a bit).

If you don't realized it means you have not been thinking about it.

True. Couldn't deny this fact.

I supposed I need to work harder on my brain. Yaicks.

Aal Izz Well.

Convo

2011-03-19T23:14:00.000+08:00

Attended the first convo ever, which will be the last one I'll be going without taking mine own's into account. It was very tiring. Waited for so long. The weather was very bad, but luckily there was no hot sun.

Felt so much in attending it, although it was only the after-ceremony. Seeing many of them being proud to graduate is something that excites me. I hope mine will be like that.

Met with a few Kampar friends, treated them lunch, which was great. The first time I felt so great paying the bill. HaHa. After lunch, went to the ceremony venue. Saw so many parents with flowers and soft toys in hand. Found my graduated friends, took pictures. Glad and happy for them.

Saw sis there. Said hi and congratz to her. She said congratz back to me. I laughed. She is witty. I knew what she was thinking. She knew what to do. Saw you too. I was afraid to walk up and say hi. So I did nothing. Pain grew. I was wondering if you'd saw me, what will you do?

Looking forward to my own graduation, at the same time hoping not to graduate so fast. Studying is better than anything.

So sleepy, good night.

SICK

2011-03-14T22:41:00.000+08:00

OMG!
Tmr will be the day to CH but I am not feeling well!
I don't want!
Need to recover ASAP!
Please!

I will be fine! I will be fine! I will be fine*fingers crossed*

School Holiday!!!

2011-03-11T22:01:00.000+08:00

Not my sem break, but school holiday!!
It felt like going back to the school life.
It's true that I am in school life.
Just one difference.
I am a teacher rather than student!
It's felt so great.

Going to Cameron Highland on Tuesday.
Not really my best destination to travel.
Unfinished business.
But, it's a free trip.
HAHAHA.
I'll enjoy it!!
And get souvenirs!

Cheers~!

Happy Ending?

2011-03-10T08:27:00.001+08:00

I didn't see that coming so soon. It was way sooner than I thought.

It's a fact that I've been running away from it for so long.

How I wish I have not came for this trip.

Maybe it wont happened.

But is it really true?

My mind at this point is empty.

I couldn't think of anything.

It's so messy, it's so blank.

I can't feel anything.

I am so blurred.

I beg for forgiveness and just hope things weren't the same.

When I saw that message, my heart sour badly.

I really didn't see that coming.

Because of what you have told me at the beginning, I never expect you will have such decision.

I cried.

The feeling of pain grew.

When you hinted me about it, I think it was the best thing I've ever done.

I held my emotions and held my tears.

I didn't ruin the dinner, which is opposite to how I usually would react.

With only one hope, hoping that you would take it back.

Hoping that you had never say it.

But will you?

Suddenly

2011-02-27T20:50:00.000+08:00

Out of all sudden, I received a text like that. I don't like it. I hate people to force me this way. I don't mind others making decision for me, but not this way. I have already said not now, give me some time. I dunno what I can do anymore.

I can just say LEAVE ME ALONE.

Blogging

2011-02-20T22:04:00.001+08:00

Every time I wanted to blog, I end up saving the post as draft. Since my last posted blog post, I now have 5 drafts. I wanted to write, but somehow for some reasons, the words couldn't come out. This time I decided to just throw anything I have in mind without any concerns. But am I allowed to do so?

Whatever.

In short, 很烦。

So many thing needed to be taken into consideration. But just one that appears to be very important to me. I can't stop thinking about it. It's bugging me because it's important to me. There are times I wanted to give up, but I told myself that I cannot give at this point. After so much of hard work and time spent in it, I'll regret if I walk away. But is walking away this game the best solution? I am still struggling.

Work. I am quite happy with my work in spite of the little conflict on the sensitive topic. I'll get used to it in no time(I believe that!), the rest so far so good. Colleagues are friendly as far as I am concerned. Students are no doubt hard to handle, classes from A all the way to L. They are just headaches. But they also have their cute and nice sides, just need more patience! I can do it!

Ohh! There is one HUGE matter that I am caught in. Big TROUBLE I am in. I just dunno how to settle it. But I'll try my best to not fall apart regardless how helpless I feel! POSITIVE ENERGY! Haik Haik!! =)

Just hope things will get better and everyone stays healthy and happy! =)))

Till then,
Auf Wiedersehen

December~

2010-12-01T17:20:00.000+08:00

It's December, meaning Christmas will be here soon~ I love Christmas although I am not a Christian. I like it because it gave me a very joyful feeling, but at the same time, I have not celebrated Christmas for the past 21years because Christmas eve is daddy's birthday, which means Christmas is always family day and daddy is not a celebration guy. Sigh. Will I ever spend Christmas with friends? However, it's a gift to be able to celebrate with family isn't it? Perhaps there will not be a chance after I get married many many many years later. Haha!

Christmas Log Cake for everyone~! =)

Anyway, in 20days time I'll be heading back KL for semester break and my industrial attachment. It's gonna be 5months away from this creepy place, I'll be missing it so much!

Final's in 10 days, and I have not started my reading. BAD BAD BAD!! Will start tonight after I finish packing. Anyone wanna give me a hand? Haik Haik!!

Loving Life~!
Ding Dong BeLL

A Turn

2010-11-25T01:59:00.000+08:00

I couldn't see the turning point, but I knew I took a turn somehow. And I know you were the one who held my hands through all these. Thank you.

Have been behaving well for the past few weeks (especially the past one week!). My mood was never at this tip top level. It's something good! Very glad and proud of myself that I am able to keep my positive side on track.

Something happened today, I got really upset. At that particular point, I was about to burst. There was one thought that passed my mind : The negative side of me which has been repressed is finally going to burst, after all I am not going to be positive. In fact, the joy and happiness I experienced for the past one week were indeed from the heart. Non of them were fabricated. Thumbs up for myself.*

The frustration on top of what happened were still there though. I remained silent, did exercises and took a shower. I was refreshed, and felt better. My mouth is allowed to open then. Talked to my friend about what actually happened via sms and the everything is fine now. I realized I wasn't able to do it face-to-face yet, so step-by-step I will go. Glad!

It was another good day, a great one instead! =)

Learning is a life long process, enjoy every bit of it.

Catching a train at 5am later. Nightz.
CCBel

2010-11-20T11:41:00.004+08:00

I was trying to make some changes to my blog page, changing background, colors and all those stuff. I tried to take away the photo but it just felt so weird not having it. It's somehow like a signature for my blog, or maybe I hoped that was the signature. It's been sitting on top of the page for more that one year. 365 days is not very long, nor short. There is a reason why I wanted it to sit there I guess.

*I love the roses by the way. They are so erotic~

Breakfast time.

CCL

+ + +

2010-11-20T00:24:00.006+08:00

For the past two days or three, I managed to keep my emotion at the POSITIVE level ! There wasn't a single grieving or anything that kept me bothered. Even if there were some, I managed to put it aside and put a smile on face.

But coming to think of it, when I am having this so-positive mood days, someone popped up a question asking me "today you not feeling well?". Hrm, it keeps me wondering why when I am seriously in a bad bad mood, they don't ask, but somehow when I am +ve, they think that I am acting weird.

So back to the point. The presenting CCL is so NEGATIVE all these while. Sigh. I feel ashamed by myself. And YES I should be too.

Some quick changes that I can do are, First surround myself in a +++++++ve environment (for instance, changing my blog template into something brighter, a bit. haha. don't you think the roses are so erotic, I definitely love it! ;) ) , Second just keep my mind positive. Somehow, I was able to hinder the negative thoughts from staying in my mind in these few days. I say good job! Everything positive! =)

Things between us, I supposed, are getting better. I just pray that things don't fall apart.

*I still crave for my Cameron and Genting trip badly, you hear me?!*

It's late now.

Love, BeL

Dedicated to YOU!

2010-11-13T12:22:00.002+08:00

You know who you are!

I always felt it's a miracle to know you. And the process of us is so special (at least to me it is!). We started the KC way of knowing each other >> letters (which are still well kept!), then phone calls almost everyday, even during exams. Then to twice a week, once a week, once a month, once every few months, then no more. I miss those days you know. Why are you so far away now.

However all these doesn't really matter, because we are still very very GOOD FRIENDS aren't we! I really am looking forward to the day I'll be seeing you again. And the present is still sitting in my room. I'll send to you someday~! AHA!

It's been 8 years. So so long to me and you know why is it so. Although many things changed but our friendship remained! What else can be better than that?

I MISS YOU SO MUCH!

gotta wash up and go to bed now.

the one who love you since the start, XYZ.

New Sem!

2010-10-23T18:04:00.002+08:00

Nothing much to be excited about. Many things have changed, but life has to go on. I have a new strategy to cope this time, hopefully there is no need to use any of it. =)

Last sem's result was out, SATISFIED, at the same time fear. Am afraid this sem I couldn't keep up. Keep my fingers crossed and fight fight fight for the best!

School wise, hrmm.. The lecturers are rather disappointing seriously. But what can we do? Better work harder, that's it.

Enjoying every bit of my kampar home. It's really very nice, not the 'hotel' part but the whole thing, especially standing at the balcony. I stood there with a cup of tea for one hour yesterday, really relaxing.

*Just TWO things, I haven't brought any utensils, so when I tapao, disposable chopsticks and spoons make me felt damn guilty. Another one is the internet. Not sure is it the whole Westlake or just my house? The rest are just *AWESOME*!!

Will enjoy every bit of it and work hard! I hope my *surprise plan* goes well~ Counting down, 20days to go!

Ciao~

Blog Day

2010-09-18T21:45:00.007+08:00

Yeay! I called this blog day because I read hell a lot of blogs (approximately 10+, considered a lot right!). Some were my friends, some were friend's friends (it's called Social Referral I think).

Why is today blog day instead?

My second last paper is due on Tuesday, and I am not studying at all. I finished up Grey's Anatomy season 6 within two days, that's pretty crazy isn't it?! I was not at all in the mood to study, in addition that I was/am a lil down, so I decided to read some blogs, then I saw the links and linked and linked. I pick only those which were written in English to read, coz I am not a Chinese reader I swear.

I like reading ENGLISH. Yes, reading English. I enjoy observing the way people write, it's nice and cute. It's really fun to see how people make use of words, how they construct those lines. I like English, but somehow mine suck to the max. Mainly because I am lazy (haha, yes I am! I supposed if I were hardworking enough, I would be someone now, at least my resume would looked super~).

There is one blog which was written with very good English. I personally like that blog because it's very enthusiastic. She wrote it in a way that you could feel life is so wonderful and she enjoyed every bit of it. I skipped the bible parts because I don't want to get myself involved in religion yet, not so soon at least. Her blog also kept me updated with a lil bit of her life, not much but supposed it's enough.

Another two blogs, by hi-bye friends. The only thing I enjoyed is still the English part. It's really fun to read those English. No offence, but it's obvious that neither anyone of us have up-to-standard English yet. After all, we live in the 'manglish' environment. Overall, I also enjoyed reading and get to know what they had in minds.

Two by normal friends, bilingual blogs. Written in English and Chinese. I ran through the Chinese's real quickly and read those English ones. I like the way life was expressed with those limited English words that they knew. It's cute to see that some grammars and rules were picked up from movies and dramas, because I do the same thing too..! XD

A lil girl's blog, personally find it very interesting. Very nice and cool blog design with some small cute buttons. (Imma computer idiot, so it looks damn cool to me!). Her blog is very "spacious", because not too much words neither photos(most of it larh~). But it's funny to see the way she blogs, very TELEGRAPHIC. *wondering should I put a link? nah~ http://fionslove.blogspot.com/*

The rest was no bad as I also enjoyed reading them. It's pretty exciting to see how people treat their life and experiences. At the same time, we can apply it to ourself. This will make us more flexible and adaptive to the environment. Besides, you get to know a lil gossips here and there. Not much people are good at keeping secrets, as people basically like telling others the secret and then say "you swear you wont tell others ok?!". The same thing then passes around, it's cute and funny when you see this but not cute at all when it's your secret being passed around. Haha.

Have you ever try sitting by the bus stop, doing nothing but observing how people behave? (I know you do that all the time MSH~! :)) ) And also see how people would dress to different occasions. I personally like looking at their shoes and I'll be thinking "eww, that shoe is so ugly. wonder how much she paid and what she's like about it." or "she really has good fashion sense." or even "I bet she is meeting her boyfriend, she dressed like she is getting married today FGS!". It's evil but it's fun and indeed it'll cheer up your day. Try it when you have any chances! You'll know what I mean~

I tried to keep my blogs short and fun, but if you know me well, you'll know there isn't much positive energy in me, so fun is outta topic. Decided to write a long one this time, so hope it isn't too bored. (If you have noticed, there are many "I"s in most of my blog, which you can see that I am quite a self-centered person, I don't deny.)

Till then. Cheers.

Christabel Chi

A Friend

2010-09-14T00:44:00.003+08:00

I hated you since that day. I hated you!

The next day of our last day, I was so bugged with this whole thing. I wasn't angry at all. I was sad, sad of losing you. For one whole day, I couldn't stop thinking about what happened. Seriously, I've never done such thing. I still couldn't believe I actually did it.

I wasn't sad anymore then. That feeling changed, it changed into hatred. I deleted you from my phone contact, I deleted you from facebook, I deleted you from msn. But the last thing I wanted is to delete you from my memory. I don't know why.

Is that the real feeling I am having deep inside my heart? NO. I know it very well that I changed it into hating you so that I wont think of you anymore. I am sorry for what happened between us, and I am also sorry that I don't know what I've done makes you hated me so badly. You probably hated me for what I've said and done to you, but have you thought that all these while, what you've said and done also hurt me.

Every time I see you in the house, I felt like saying hi to you, just a simple hi will do.

*I've never took friendship so seriously like this time. I still cannot believe what I wrote.

又一个学期。

2010-09-07T16:42:00.005+08:00

一个学期又即将过去了。。

上学期过得很吃力，因为考试压力让我喘不过气来。。

这学期功课考试没有上学期繁忙（但考试没那么简单哦~），可是一样那么吃力，喘不过气。。这次的烦恼是我最担心的问题。。人际关系。。唉，自问从来都不善于处理人际关系，所以呀我才没报读PR。（不好笑。。。T_T)

不懂为何，这学期会把人际关系搞得那么糟。这糟糕的程度还让我做出了一个一路来都没勇气做的事，也没想过会踏出这一步。这可不容易叻。

虽然。。。但是。。。不是什么可怕的事啦，但踏出这步真的不简单。。因为毕竟自己身处同行。。（嘻嘻）

另一件事，这学期好像和“你”沟通多了叻。有点心疼你的处境，也有点不开心发生这么大件事也没告诉我。。。毕竟我们俩“在一起”已经有8年了。。。

圆规真钻。其实到目前为止，我仍然在挖头为什么会这样。。。到底发生了什么事。。有人可以告诉我吗？

很多人都说我，看起来很强，也很凶。。很凶？还好吧。。其实我的外边和内在是360度不一样，我很笨，很心软，很八，很直，很模糊，很傻，很短见，很小气，和很爱面子。。唉唉唉。。很差劲吧，（某某人，你的眼光很差叻~）这统统都和我的外表恰恰相反，赞么！真的有点讨厌自己。。。

我很相信Sigmund Freud 的理论，现在的我们都是由小时候所造的，（唯除我外表，但也说不定。哎哟！）相信我儿时的发展不那么成功，都怪自己了。。。

这学期快走完了啦，我双指交叉，只盼一切顺顺利利，（想去问问神添~）。。如何疯狂结束这学期呢？XD

LOVe~

2010-08-02T14:51:00.002+08:00

Although she said she don't want me to go back, but from her non-verbal behavior (sounds so pro~ cheh~ =P), i can see that she is so happy and proud that I was there.

When i fetch her out to the market, her smile was there the whole time. And of course, when she met her friends, she introduced me in a way like now-i-proudly-present-you!!!~ *maybe i over exaggerated a bit but it really felt that way.

She cooked so much food for me to bring back kampar. And they tasted so awesome! How could i not put you on the top of my I-LOVE-YOU list leh~ (of course it's not just because of food la LOL.)

I just wished I am going back sooooooon! :'(

you you you

2010-07-15T11:51:00.003+08:00

OMG!!! i am so in love with you!!! muahahahaha~

i was browsing my friend's photo, your face appeared and so so so caught my attention (after so many times of browsing the same picture and finally!) !!!

clicked on your profile.. and checked out some of your info.. felt totally yippeeeee and decided to add as friend.. waited for your friend approval.. then dunno after how many dayssssssssssssss (just one or two nia~ hehe)... wow! you approved my request and left me a msg~~ so happy~ =))))))))))))))))) but we only chat a few words then that's all..

one thing one thing!!!! YOU ACTUALLY REMEMBERED MEEEEE!!!! (we were college-mates!) oh my GGGGGGGG! i was so surprised and happyyyyyy!

so sad now that i am not talking to you.. i miss you leh... yesterday i viewed your fb profile.. your pics.. your BLOG!! oh my oh my~ the way you express yourself~ your photos~ YOU WERE ON MY MIND FOR THE WHOLE NIGHT EVEN IN SLEEP!! wuhoo!

i am so gonna "fish" you leh~ hehehehe..

*p/s: msh msh, if you so happen to read this post, i can already imagine your reactions!! haha!!

滋润

2010-07-12T19:56:00.003+08:00

刚刚看回自己自恋拍的照片时，发现笑得最灿烂的那些都是在那时候拍的。。终于明白什么叫爱情的滋润。。

Close Catch

2010-06-18T20:03:00.003+08:00

There was this name commenting on that FB status. It looked/sounded very familiar. I was thinking thinking thinking and conclusion was I am not sure but it should be the ex, OMG. Went to her FB page, unable to view her photos or any details, then saw the link to her blog. The latest blog was "I still miss you a lot". My heart almost pounded out. Decided not to react so fast. Went through a few other posts, and then a "phew~"(with a deep breath). Totally relieved. Luckily I held my instant respond. Huhu.

Resolution Updates!! =)

2010-05-15T18:07:00.004+08:00

OK, here's some review of my new year's resolution.

1. Study hard: GOod!! I think had some improvements this semester. I know I can do better, but little still count. Next semester will rOck!!

2. Diet: OMG! I think I gained weight like hell!! Really needa work harder leh. T.T

3. Love myself: Ermm... Still need to be improved, because I still emo like crazy. =(

4. Be healthier: Totally failed. I missed my doctor's appointments and stop my medication for God knows how long. I am afraid leh for my soon to come doctor's appointment.

5. New skills: Haiz... Learn new skills, belly dance? Aiyo, Kampar where got things to learn wo.

6. Boyfriend: In my dreams.

7. Save money: Spend more got la. >.<

8. Part time: Next semester la next semester la. =p

9. Train vocal: This semester choir is a bit dead. Haha.

10. Count my blessings: I did I guess. o.0

Like said before, 10 is really a lot. Pheww~~ I got like 7 months more to go. Jia you a chi chi!!!

压力

2010-05-13T21:48:00.002+08:00

我告诉他：“你让我觉得很压力！”

他回答道：“你不是说没有人可以让你感到压力吗？就连你父亲都不能。”

我答：“所以话你好野咯。”

Another semester has just officially ended. In two weeks time, we will be staring a brand new one. Until now, only I realised that stress can really make us hectic. I have never felt so stressed in my whole life before, never. My year 2 sem 1 has just enlighten me what stress is and how torturing it can be. To tell the level of stress experiencing, go to the mirror and the answer is there. And take note of your sleeping condition, it tells you whether you are having stress.

Anxiety disorders patients will suffer from unrealistic, unfounded fear and anxiety. They will experience tension and hyperactive autonomic nervous system. However, anxiety is normal as it gives awareness to take important seriously and and be more alert to our surroundings. Overwhelm and intensive fear will developed into anxiety disorders.

Stress will eventually evolved into anxiety. However it still serve good to us to certain extent. As for my case here, yes it has given me awareness to take important issues more seriously and I've gained insights from it. Thanks to the person who have successfully given me all these stress that I've been seeking for. Seriously, before finals I really haven't felt any stress that motivate me to work harder. Now and in the future, I think having stress is not a problem for me. I hope I can do better in the coming semesters so that I wont disappoint the one person who loves me to the max. And really thank the person who enlighten me. =)

Cheers and enjoy the day. Guten tag!!

Special but Not

2010-05-07T15:21:00.003+08:00

It should be special, but it's not.

Although things changed, but one thing remained.

the lesson i've learned today

2010-04-15T03:45:00.002+08:00

To define what a person has learned and how one person has changed can be only done by people around, not own self. Frankly, this theory sounds weird but it makes sense. If one thinks that he or she has changed, it has to be seen by other people also. From what I was able to rationalized is that although he/she thought his/herself has changed, but without people around feeling it or noticing it, at the end of the day, it makes no differences. In chinese saying it's called “闭门造车”. If you are building a car without even bringing it on the road, the reliability of the car is very very low.

At the end of the day, the moral that was taught is let other people see what you have changed and how you have changed. If you think you have changed but NO ONE can notice it or feel it, it's equal to NO CHANGES. Start doing it from small things, it makes a difference.

colour pencils

2010-03-20T14:32:00.003+08:00

Friends are like colour pencils,

They coloured our life.

I may not be your favourite colour,

but hope you will need me to complete your picture.

Your are a vital colour in my picture.

As our friendship began,

I will keep it deep inside my heart.

A forward message sent by a friend at the right time.

好想你

2010-03-12T23:01:00.003+08:00

突然间觉得很压力

原因不明

拉开了抽屉

拿出你的光碟

房间播放着散漫的音乐节奏

那优雅的钢琴声

舒缓了我的头疼

解放了我的压力

好久没那样放松自己了

听着那些歌儿

满脑子播放着你的影像

好想你

~^@^~

2010-03-01T17:52:00.004+08:00

Going back to KL tomorrow evening. Can't wait to see you!! I want a BIG hug from YOU ok!

Everything in one date

2010-02-15T14:16:00.004+08:00

Another month passes. It falls on the last day of our Chinese lunar calendar, the Chinese reunion day. I wasn’t aware of it till my auntie wishes my cousin sister happy birthday and it reminds me of our friend’s birthday that falls on this day too. Everything coincidently falls on this date. Until I realised it, I wasn't able to explain why my mood was so off today.

I am not sure why I kept you reminded as each month passes. I think I am just too evil to also want you to feel this day with me. I shall stop reminding you of this date again. But when my rationality comes, telling myself I shouldn’t remind you and make you suffer on it, it’s already too late.

I still don’t know what I should do. I have been thinking more than usual these days, because I came to a point that I have to make some decision. However, no decision was made. It’s even difficult to make up my mind as of what we are doing now, yet I have no intension to stop it. I am such a terrible person.

Tomorrow is Chinese New Year already. I shall keep things aside and welcome it with a happy heart. I will stop thinking of it and enjoy my day. Valentine’s Day falls on tomorrow too, but it’s a lonely valentine for me. XD

Sorry

2010-02-08T17:31:00.002+08:00

I felt very sorry for him because I always messed things up. I was the one to say keep things low but it turned out that everything is spreading out from my side.

Questions have been pondering in my mind. For the past one or two years, I have been showered with happiness and not a bit that I am appreciating it. Why? He has taught me a lot of things, correcting the way that should used to see the happenings. Teaching me how to appreciate my life, things that I have, enlighten me what a life I am living. I learn a lot by just talking to him, and I will not imagine how much I will gain if I am with him. It felt very comfortable talking to him. Like a big brother leading the sister, teaching and reminding what and how to do. No stress at all.

I am willing to give both a chance to make things work. But at times I felt I don't deserve to be loved by such a good person. I am not good. He deserved someone who is better, more tolerate and understanding. I am aware that I have no rights to judge what am I to him, but I am afraid I will hurt another guy again. Therefore I am here hesitating. If I start a new relationship, I would want it to not be complicated. All I want now is something simple.

At times I want love in my life, but there are also times that I want to be alone in life. I don't deserved what I am having but I am too afraid losing them. Discrepancy.

WY was right, I shouldn't crashed him with hopes till I am settled with the past.

TOTALLY PISSED!!

2010-02-07T00:14:00.003+08:00

I AM OFFICIALLY LEGALLY PRACTICALLY REALLY AN ADULT FOR GOODNESS SAKE!! WHY DO MY DECISIONS ON CERTAIN MATTERS STILL NEED PERMISSIONS?? THE ONLY THING I AM LACK OFF IS FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCY!! IF I HAVE MY OWN FINANCE DEPENDENCY I DON'T FUCKING CARE ALREADY!! THIS IS THE REASON WHY I PUT HER IN FIRST PLACE INSTEAD OF YOU ALL!!

HOW LONG DO I NEED TO BE UNDER YOUR SUPERVISION? UNTILL THE DAY I GET MARRIED? THIS IS WHY I FREAKING WANNA STUDY IN KAMPAR!! AND YOU DON'T FREAKING KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE BUYING KTM TICKETS!!

DON'T F***ING SAY THOSE WORDS TO ME ANYMORE!! I AM FED UP LIVING UNDER YOUR SHADOW AND HOW MUCH I WANT TO GRAD FASTER AND LEAVE YOU!! YOU JUST TOOK MORE OF MY LOVE TO YOU AWAY AND STORED IT IN THE I-HATE-YOU SECTION!! WTF!!

Adapting Into The New

2010-01-21T08:14:00.003+08:00

This morning I woke up crying. Because I have had a bad dream, a dream that I've once had before. I haven't been sleeping well these few days due to the new environment as I've moved into a new house with my friends. Will get through it in a few days time.

This semester would be a different semester as compared to the previous 3semesters. Firstly, I will really have to study hard to boost up my CGPA. And a friend said will be helping me with it, thanks. Secondly, it's my second year of degree. It could be considered as a new start. Lastly, I want to live more differently. Not as having just a plain life like before, but something that is worth to be marked in my history.

2010 RESOLUTION

2010-01-09T12:48:00.003+08:00

I was thinking to write something that isn’t so…… Something more cheerful perhaps, something that when one reads it, there will be laughter or smile. I was thinking of my New Year resolution.

I’ve only started to make resolution last year. Not to say I’d never do it in the past, I’ve done it once when I was in senior 1. It was actually an English exercise. I was pretty shy with what I’d planned to achieve, and I don’t recall any of it that I’ve accomplished.

So here is the list of my 2010 resolution.

I got to really work my ass out in studies. No more time to have fun. I am too old for that. And also read the 10 novels I’ve bought before the coming semester ends!
Lose weight of course!! I am like the fattest cow on earth for goodness sake! Anyway, I am pretty much proud to shout out loud here. LOLX
Ok, the third one should learn to love myself more, which I have actually started to do so since the previous relationship. I mean I’ve gained slightly more confidence in myself, and I am proud of myself and the one who had helped me too!
Be healthier!!! Sleep early!!! Don’t want any more doctor’s appointments. And no more tests!!
This should be learning something new. I don’t think I am as versatile as some of my friends, so I want to learn something new. Belly dance perhaps? (ok, you can laugh all you want, I am cool seriously).
Get myself a BOYFRIEND!!! HAHA
Hrmm… oh oh oh, I know I know, save more money, meaning spend less!!
Get myself a part time please!! I am really gonna neeed the money.
Train my vocal for goodness sake!! I don’t want her to introduce me to her friend like saying “this is christabel, with the ‘鸡仔声’.”
Last one. Count my blessings it would be!!

Ten is a lot I am going to say! =D

I’ll do my best to achieve all of them, with every help I will be receiving from my family and friends!! I LOVE YALL!!!

p/s: hope yall enjoy reading!

Break Down

2010-01-04T10:21:00.003+08:00

It all started since I came back from my Penang trip. It has been bad and the worst was to look strong outside and smile. I knew I would have a break down anytime soon and it all happened this morning before I went to bed which was 2am in the morning. It was the first time I'd really cried again since I stopped crying about a month ago.

I broke down, I cried, I felt pain, I was and am still depressed. The feeling sucks. Grey's Anotomy is helping it grow. I am such a dumb ass to keep watching it, but I just can't help myself.

What should I do now. I don't want to be happy, but I wanted happiness to be with others, at least be with him. That's the least I am asking for. Hope he's happy, smiling and living the life he wants. And me being able catch a glimpse. "noh H+!m 3^ol u! ll!+s wv I"

很爱很爱你

2009-12-20T23:14:00.003+08:00

wanted to do something for you, something to make you happier,
so that my name will be buried in your heart,
i begged time for help, when you are not aware of it,
quietly nurture the seed in your heart.

i think she really is better and suits you more,
i was not caring, not elegant and not matured enough,
if i go back to becoming a good friend,
you wont be so awkward anymore.

love you to the extend that i am willing to let you go,
to a place where you will get more happiness,
love you to the extend that when you are in love,
i will then feel secured.

what a beautiful picture seeing her walking to you,
i tear because i am happy,
it's not easy for two right person to be in love,
i still feel grateful even i am not your lover.

love you to the extend that i will not hold on to you going
to a place where you will get more happiness,
love you to the extend that when you are in love,
i will then feel secured.

喜欢你的时候。。

2009-12-17T23:03:00.005+08:00

喜欢你手指淡淡烟草香。。
喜欢你睡觉的样子。。
喜欢你微笑的时候。。
喜欢你听话的时候。。
喜欢你自恋的时候。。
喜欢你顽皮的时候。。
喜欢你撒娇的时候。。
喜欢你傻傻的时候。。
喜欢你笨笨的时候。。
喜欢你说我笨的时候。。
喜欢你让我任性的时候。。
喜欢你牵我的手的时候。。
喜欢你牵我手时总是收在背后的时候。。
喜欢你驾车时总是牵着我的手的时候。。
喜欢你看着我睡觉的时候。。
喜欢你让我躺在你的胸膛的时候。。
喜欢你抱着我的时候。。
喜欢你拨我的头发的时候。。
喜欢你在我睡觉时，在我耳边告诉我你的想法的时候。。
喜欢你吻我的时候。。
喜欢你走进我的人生的时候。。
喜欢你爱我的时候。。

原来我不寂寞

2009-12-14T11:38:00.003+08:00

今日的醉，让我有回幸福的感觉。谢谢你的肩膀，谢谢你的安抚。让时间替未来铺路。

躺在你的肩膀，你的手不时拨着我的头发，让我有回幸福的感觉。闻着你的体香，让我回想起过去。我真的很想感谢你，愿意陪我度过这一夜。同时也让我明白，其实前面的路并不暗。

不懂将来会是如何，我不敢给你任何希望，不想伤害你。因为现在的我要学习独立，要学会更成熟。过去的让它过去吧，我已经在慢慢放下了。一切就顺其自然，前面的路就让时间替我们做主吧！

Chunky Fried Rice

2009-11-29T10:44:00.015+08:00

Since I am back in KL,then I shall enjoy myself to the most. Today my parents and siblings went to a mega warehouse book sale. They wont be home till I don't know when. Decided to cook myself a nice breakfast. There hasn't much ingredients in the kitchen but enough for me to fried me-self a nice free-style fried rice. And I'll share the steps here. Off we go!! Woot!! (Derek, 2009)

Ingredients :

2 cloves of garlic
half a stick of carrot
1 egg
2 slices of luncheon meat
a bowl of cold rice
3 spoonful of sunflower oil
salt (but I prefer soy sauce)
pepper
spring onion (to garnish)

Steps :

1) Cut carrot and luncheon meat into cubes and dice garlic. Set aside.

2) Heat wok/pan then add a spoonful of oil. Fry carrot cubes following with luncheon meat cubes till brown.

3) Remove the cubes from pan and set aside. Add oil and saute garlic then add in the cubes following with cold rice.

4) Stir in everything together and sprinkle a pinch of salt and pepper, amount is up to personal taste.

5) Stir everything well, then dig a hole and add in oil to fry egg. Slightly beat egg with soy sauce then pour into the hole. =)

6) Mix everything and get ready to serve. Garnish the rice with spring onion and off we go to the dining table.

Tips :

Try substitute garlic with ginger,it's a totally awesome combination.
If preparing one or two portions, try using soy sauce instead of salt. For bigger portions, use both salt and soy sauce.
If rice is too dry, pour little water after step 4. But stir fast because rice will then become soft. If heated too long, it will turn sticky.
My attempt this time is a bit crunchy because have to snap some pix. And I can"t find my fav spring onion. Sob Sob. T.T

"HCUM OS UOY SESSIM"

2009-11-27T15:31:00.003+08:00

Friday is public holiday and mom said since it's a "long weekend" should go back. Didn't plan to go back KL this weekend, because I'm not in the best form. And I've been throwing up a lot after dinner. As for the previous time, I'll keep myself away from food, but this time I've been craving for food a lot. This will turn very bad especially when I am back in KL. However what have I to say to my parents that I have no wishes to go back for the weekend.

In two hours time, I'll be heading back to KL. And the weather in Kampar now is very "pretty". The clouds are colored by grey crayons, the trees and flowers are dancing on the pedestrian path. The winds sounded like an old folk playing with his flute. Rain drops falling as if ballerinas performing on stage. Along with these you can hear tigers and lions roaring. Looked outside from the window you can see people rushing back homes with umbrellas, newspapers, and hands on top of their head. Putting everything together, it felt so nice to lie on the bed, close up your eyes and keep your mind empty. Today's rain sounded surprisingly soft and calming.

The clock seems to be ticking very fast and the atmosphere in 1335/B1 is not getting any better. Luggage hasn't been packed, and the human staying inside is still blogging and "moodying". Everything seems so cold to her. However, her mind is filled with memories. Her eyes are filled with liquid. And her body is sitting up in front of her lappy, hands are dancing on the keyboard. Her mood has been the same with yesterday. There hasn't been any idea why memories kept flashing back and why tears kept running down. She dared not turn on any musics because it will only make assist the water drops flood the eyes.

Till here, she has no idea how to continue this post already because her mind is going blank gradually. She really have to start packing for KL. It's 5.04pm now, cab will be arriving at 6pm sharp. And she still needs to take a shower.

P/S : If you so happened to read this post >> Have you figured out what is "HCUM UOY OS SESSIM"?? =)

YOU

2009-11-07T22:28:00.007+08:00

This is a post specially dedicated for YOU, who was once me beloved partner. You are someone who was once special to me, someone who once brighten up my life. Here are something that I wanted to let you know, because I am not brave enough to tell you in person.

You might not realize what you have said, but it was enough to cheer me up for the rest of the day.

You might not realize what you have done, but it was enough to make boost up my energy to work the day out.

You might not realize what facial expression you have shown on your face, but it was enough to put a smile on mine.

At the same time,

You might not realize how your words may hurt my feelings, but I still love you.

You might not realize how your actions made me uncomfortable, yet I love you so.

You might not realize how my day was ruined by your actions and words, however love never stops.

There may be lots of fighting,

There may be lots of quarrels,

There may be lots of disappointments,

There may be lots of lies,

Yet,

There were still JOYS,

There were still LAUGHTERS,

There were still EXCITEMENTS,

They have given us tears and happiness,

And most importantly,

LOVE.

Thank you for all the love you have given me all these times, they were the best time I had throughout the year. I will not know what is going to happened in the future, but all these memories will be treasured and will not be erased.

We are both grown up. We should understand and be clear of what we are doing. Therefore I have no regrets on the path I’ve chosen. And I hope you felt the same too.

"There goes a time when we stop loving someone, not because that we have stopped loving them. But we have found out that, they'd be happier if we let go." ( modified from Soon, 2009)

"Loving someone that doesn't love you is painful, but loving someone that doesn't trust you is the even painful ; loving someone that you can't trust is most painful." (modified from Soon,2009)

Christabel Chi

A Fresh Start

2009-10-23T01:04:00.006+08:00

So, here I am back in Kampar continuing my life after a three weeks rest. Didn't really had a great holiday as was presured by the fear of my result. Was actually relieved when HaHaHa told me my result (as the line was jam, most people were unable to log into UTAR portal and somehow he managed to. swt). It was an acceptable result to me although I can do better if worked even harder. But was glad that I didn't failed any subjects esp TCP. *pheww* And so I have decided if this semester I don't achieve what I aimed for, I'll quit studying and get a job.

Well, holiday wasn't good but food was totally awesome back in KL. Mom boiled soup almost everyday, coz I asked for. *thanks mommy, muackxx* And I managed to learn up playing "Canon in D". But no the whole song, I think coz my fingers joints are not as flexible so it took quite some time to memorised the keys. One more thing is that I get to drive EVERYDAY!! One more one more, I was spontaneously at sg. wang on the moon cake fest that day, saw JJ Lin-- he's cute!!

Okay, that was the 3weeks spent in KL. Back in Kampar, things will be better, and so far so good in studies. Was sososo glad that day when I opened the door into tutorial. Saw an unfamiliar figure who will be my tutor for this semester. *pheww pheww pheww* I've been paying attention in lectures and tutorials, there were still 'kaypoh' sessions like every few minutes though.

Today, Raggy invited the whole course to an open house party at hers tomorrow night. And she told me to bring some sweets as it's a tradition to bring something to an open house. So we (the dance group) decided to buy a few packets there. I came up with an idea to bake a cake. Went tesco, ingredients bought. I tested the recipe by baking in cupcake size. A big success to me this attempt as due to previous experiences. Hopefully tomorrow the cake will turn out to be a CAKE pretty and properly. *fingers crossed* Can't wait to see the cute guy tomorrow~~ *melted*

That's all for this post. It's 2am now, sorry for the unorganized sequence of the words.
Good NightzZz

beL beL

Official Ending of Sem 2

2009-09-29T09:48:00.003+08:00

Last semester we ended with steamboat at Wan Jie's house. This semester, we again ended up with steamboat too, also to celebrate Wan Jie's birthday and Andrew's. But this time was more special. :)

Within 24hours:

We had steamboat + bbq for dinner at a restaurant near tesco. Some i-said-so thing eventually happened, which was an self-invited guest practically turn up hoping to ruin the party, or at least someone's mood. Haha. Later, me and Moon went Shu Fen's house for gaming. Left around 2am. Went home to pack my stuff, bath then go to bed. Just when I was almost finished with packing, Moon sms-ed me ask whether wanna have beer. Thought she was emo-ing so agreed and went to her house.

Beer wasn't there yet. She had someone to deliver. :p Wen Jye was the delivery boy. Haha. And along with hin was Kean Tat. He said he found Kean Tat wondering around on the way back, so 'picked' him back for Moon who was "thirsty". Lolx. We had beer by the road side. Were wondering whether to call mr.beh, then thought he wasn't in the best mood so didn't. But later around 4am, saw beh beh came out to fetch water. Joined us but no beer for the late comer. opps. As were chatting chatting chatting, (forgotten what we were talking about already) Kean Tat suggested to go Ipoh breakfast --DimSum.

20minutes later, we all hopped into the car, headed Ipoh, Fu San for breakfast. It was drizzling in Kampar when we left but not in Ipoh. Before going to Kean Tat's house for the car changing and cashing, paid a visit around Moon's house for no reason. Waited in front of Kean Tat's house for 15minutes waiting for his mom to wake up. His mom was cute when both of them were on the phone. (Someone didn't bring house key, had to phone to open the door. Lolx.) Car changed and cashed, headed "yum zhou cha" (drink early tea). There wasn't many people when we reached, but the crowd grew as we were eating. Left Fu San around 8am i guess. One thing weird was, their "char siu pao" is not the typical DimSum type. It's bigger in size and you order how many you want. They are not the "3 in 1 basket".

When reached home, managed to take a short nap before heading back to KL. So that was pretty much how we ended our semester 2. Can't wait to get backk to Kampar in 3 weeks time. =)

Tired With Lies

2009-09-06T15:12:00.008+08:00

Things have been so different these days. Many things changed. Thought was glad with all these changes, but untill a while before writing this post, just realised how stupid it was to have all these so called "good changes" thoughts. Happy that all the new explored information was found after a conversation with a friend. The conversation changed the way that things should be view. And another really special friend that should be thanked too. This friend spared his ears for the most needed one (although he started to feel annoyed supposed, sorry and thanks).

So, these all started when an urge inside decided to do something that is practically against the law. It's a bit similar to reading someone else's dairy. Know it's wrong doing it, but couldn't resist the ID not to do it. Knowing that it's will also cause tears, yet still continued. Sometimes human being is just so overtaken by the "ID". And so the reading continues but the guilt is haunting. Somehow it was weird because there were lots of words and it was impossible to go through all. However the "essense" of almost everything (if nothing was missed out) "popped up" as mouse rolled down. Did the God want the truth to be revealed? To tell stop being a stupid. Or maybe not.

Anyhow, glad with the new explored. Realised there were lots of lies lied beneath. The heart is pain, it's bleeding, it's broken into pieces, but it's not as pain. The only explaination that can be given is "How much more stupid and naive can one still go?". It hurts but not as pain, maybe it was already broken into pieces and it wont feel too much even if it's being stabbed a few more times. If the whole thing is meant to be this way, then just let it be. If being confronted makes no changes then accepting it will be the only way. The heart is numb now. It is tired with the lies and fed up with it. When lies kept on coming, doing anything more serve no good.

Bet it is really true that what we get at the end is not as important as what we've been through. The process of putting things together is the essense and the essential part of everything. So we should learn from the process, not just the result we get. We stand up from where we fall with no fear and aiming for a better one. That's what and how life should be.

Decision has been made long time ago, but there wasn't enough courage to spill it out. Waiting for the bottom line to be touched and the fire will be lighted. There goes the end of the story. No more lies and distrust.

2009-08-23T09:39:00.003+08:00

So, yesterday just right before I go to bath, I've decided to move my closet to another setting. And that when everything started. Started moving closet, then bed, last my desk. It took roughly two and a half hours to move, sweep and mop my room. And there I realised that my room is actually quite spacious. Glad I did the re-arranging. Of course the cleaning made me feels good.

Somehow, when I have a very bad mood, I tend to do cleanings. That's good and I kinda like it that way. It's so much better than throwing things or sitting there doing nothing or shopping to release the anger in you. In KL, when having this bad mood thingy, I actually wash toilet. My dad said it's good for me. LOL. Maybe to clean the whole house is just impossible. Haha. Now in Kampar, I have to clean up the whole room. It's not that really big actually, yet I still need fifteen minutes to half an hour to actually sweep my room. *sigh*. Haha.

My Laundry's Number Tag. Just feel like collecting. Hehe

Auf Wiedersehen und Bis Dann

终于明白了

2009-08-02T17:35:00.005+08:00

歌名：最近
歌手：李聖傑
專輯：關於妳的歌
作詞：譚志華　作曲：譚志華

你最近不說話　怎麼了　為什麼
是不是有什麼事讓你不快樂

聽說你最近很孤單　有點亂　有點慌
可是我卻不能夠在你的身旁

你想要的　我卻不能給你我全部
我能給的卻又不是你想要擁有的
我們不適合也不想認輸
好幾次我們抱著彼此都是想要哭
你常解釋這樣的一切都只是開始
我覺得是所有的一切早就已結束
不想再約束不要再痛苦
下一次會有更好的情路

你最近不說話　怎麼了　為什麼
是不是有什麼事讓你不快樂

聽說你最近很孤單　有點亂　有點慌
可是我卻不能夠在你的身旁

你想要的　我卻不能給你我全部
我能給的卻又不是你想要擁有的
我們不適合也不想認輸
好幾次我們抱著彼此都是想要哭
你常解釋這樣的一切都只是開始
我覺得是所有的一切早就已結束
不想再約束不要再痛苦
下一次會有更好的情路

愛　我卻不能夠給你我全部
我能給的卻又不是你想要擁有的
我們不適合也不想認輸
好幾次我們抱著彼此都是想要哭
你常解釋這樣的一切都只是開始
我覺得是所有的一切早就已結束
不想再約束不要再痛苦
下一次會有更好的情路

這一次我們都能很幸福

I'm sick

2009-08-02T00:30:00.003+08:00

Came down with fever, cough, soar throat, and blocked nose. Went to the doctor and confirmed that UTAR Kampar is NOT going to close down for a week. It's that sad, isn't it. LOL. Doctor said that I was only having the normal cold thingy.

Was so worried before I went to the doctor. Being diagnosed with H1N1 is so gonna kill me. All my family members were so worried, that made me even more worried. I didn't dare to cough in the car when my friend brought me to the doctor. Affraid the germs will spread. I should have brought mask back.

And when I took my medication, I realised that all the med were written in B.M. WTH. I saw the doctor writting in English and why were them written in B.M then. Just can't stand it. And I have to check the dictionary (because I didn't really remember what the nurse had explained) for the word "kumur" which turned out to be med for mouth washing.

AND AND AND that clinic was damn expensive!! They changed me RM38 for the meds and the 5mins consultation. That's ridiculous to me because if I were to see my family doctor in KL, it would only be RM28. And I don't have to take cough syrup. I'll be given tablets. Anyway, can't complain much cz I needed a doctor. *sighh*

beL beL

Stepping Out

2009-08-01T23:11:00.004+08:00

It just hit all in a sudden. It felt terribly worse. Feeling like the history is repeating again. Going through this thing all over again is so heart breaking. My weak little heart was torn into pieces. This little thing in me is now so safe guarded. I have to do so, to prevent the same old thing happens again and again. I really can't bear another hit of wave in any time soon. It needs time to heal before the next hit. It was starting to get better right after the first hit, and just right then, there goes the second hit. I think I just don't deserve any decent little "gifts", at least for the moment.

First of all, you deserved an apology. I am sorry for all unpleasant moments that I've given to you. I really just hope everything could just stopped and get back to how they used to be. And you deserved it so much. I've been so pushy in my life. Can't figure out why. Or let's just put it that I've not try hard enough to sort things out. Maybe I'm just a selfish jerk. I think too much for myself and I've just overlook what I might have caused to others. That sound like a perfect bitch and here I am.

Just hate it when things turn out this way. And somehow I'll become very very freaked out. Then, I'll be doing all the stupid things that I've ever done. When memories recall, "I don't know what I was doing" tends to be the excuse for everything. That's not good but what else can be said? No one likes going through this kind of situations, we all know it very well. But why do we still make it happen over and over again. It just sounds so stupid.

I don't know what I shall do next, because I now in the middle of nowhere. I guess I'll just have to find the way getting back into track. But it isn't anything easy to achieve. Especially when this is something that I prioritised. I've been having swollen eyes for the whole day *we know why*. That's just not gonna work I know. But there was nothing else I was capable in doing at this moment. It was a sudden hit. And thanks to you *another "you"* for being a friend when I really need one. Study must come first, I know it well enough. But when I see what's going on out there, it just hurts so bad. It's unfair, to all parties. Things just shouldn't be this way. Maybe everything started too soon, or maybe we are just immature enough in handling the situation. That's why we all always have to learn from mistakes.

At this very moment, all I'd wanted is you to be happy no matter what happened. And I'm pretty sure you are. One thing that I want you to remember is that I'll always be there no matter what and * **** ***.

**So sorry that this post is so unorganised. Just threw out anything that came across my mind.

Reminded

2009-07-22T15:49:00.003+08:00

Went online straight away as I reach home from campus. I was scrolling down to find the facebook site when I saw an address that I’ve never came across before. Was wondering what site is that. It was a blog site that belongs to my cousin aunty.

As I browse through, my attention was cought by the chinese writings,

"阿姨曾经说过，来不及等到我回来，是您没福气。

其实，没福气的应该是我。

我们终究缘铿一面。遗憾啊。"

Tears came running down my cheek as I instantly read the whole blog. My heart sores badly. Memories flashes through my mind. And I realised that none of us have forgotten the past. Not a bit.

Lost

2009-06-24T00:50:00.003+08:00

I am very lost. I am so lost. I am just lost. I am lost.

I am lost, in all ways... I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what am I doing. Let alone what to do and how to do. I no longer have the ability to rationalised my own behavior. I can only say that I'm suffering from some sort of disability, I supposed.

Things have changed recently. My life has changed too. There is an existance of an additional element in my life. This element has turned my life upside down. I no longer know how to handle my mind. What I am trying to say is that the centre of my thought is now concentrating on this element. I am losing my abilities and am unable to put things in the way it should be. This has to be changed. If I keep on behaving this way, I am going to ruin my life in just a snap of fingers. Therefore I'm suffering. And that leads me to a unstable state.

In the other hand...

I have not been treating people around me fairly. I've put aside many things. And it's not good for me to do that. It's unfair to those who cares for me. Especially my family. I am well aware with the consequences of my current behavior, yet I put no efforts to make any changes. My instinct, senses, nerves are not listening to my mind. I have gotta do something before it's too late. Dammit!!

I'm in an unstable and unsure state. I felt unsecured. Or maybe it's better to say that I've never felt secured.

I'm

2009-06-15T15:39:00.002+08:00

I'm searching for my mood to blog.

I'm searching for my motivations to blog.

I'm searching for my stories to blog.

I'm searching for my lines to blog.

I'm searching for my words to blog.

I'm searching for..........

对不起

2009-05-09T16:19:00.006+08:00

。。。。。。

不知该从何说起，只想跟你们两个好姐妹说声对不起。。

都是我不好。。因为自己的愚蠢和固执。。把事情搞到如此地步，差点反目成仇。。其实我真的真的不想让事情变成这样的。。但很多事情发生到太突然了。。就连我自己都无法承受。。当时的我已经顾不了身边关心我的人他们的感受了。。因为我真的很累，很痛，很伤。。

你们因该都知道如果我可以解释的我会毫不犹豫的告诉你们。。但有些事情我不想说如果逼我，事情只会越来越糟。。我真的不想把事情越搞越糟，所以我选择了对你们沉默不言。。希望你们可以理解我。。和原谅我。。

对过去的我已经不想也不要再多作任何解释了。。我会明白和尊重你们做的所有决定。。因为我清楚明白你们也很辛苦，也很累。。对不起。。

friends come and go in our lives

but a few find places so deep in our hearts

that we know they will always be in our heart

beL

The End

2009-04-22T16:39:00.009+08:00

There is nothing else that I can do since I've decided to let go. I know it very well deep in my heart. I need to face the reality. I have pushed myself to face the reality. I've put myself in the state to witness the truth with my bare eyes. Witnessing the truth was not easy at all. Yes, it almost killed me. But I managed to stand up again after the fall, with all the help from people around me. I would like to thank them here. I'd never thought I would received all these supports.

Here, I am awaken and given the guts to write it down. Even though I wanted to be sport and act like it was not affecting me. *yes, you've won this round.* However, I am a creation of nature that has all senses and nerves functioning damn well. I feel the pain. It really hurts. There ain't any reason for me to hide my feelings. I've cried over and over again every time I recall these painful memories. As the memories were wonderful as it were, the more pain I could feel. Let alone seeing the reality with my bare eyes.

I have realised that the cause of my pain don't not see the pain I suffered. That alone is another wound to me. Once again I felt like a fool. Shall I put it this way, the function of a knife is to cut or to slice things apart. Hence, it will not feel anything. It may sound harsh, but I'm not trying to be a bitch here. I am writing all these down and publishing them because I want to be fair to someone who deserved to know. And I would like to caution everyone that sometimes certain words and expressions and actions will be taken and interpreted in a serious manner. Even though it was said or done with the playing motive, but different people have different percertions and ways of interpretation. Things can get very bad when it is wrongly taken in.

All things shall end here. We have to move on and live our life. There shan't be any thing dragging or holding our life progress. For what had happened, we can't change any bit of it. But for what will be in future, it's all in up to us to make a different out of it. I am letting go everything. All I hope is to "preserve" all memories before they are rotten. I really don't want to make things worse. Let what is it be and move on.

"The time that we really grow is when we are uncomfortable."

This is a line that I received via sms from an anonymous insurances agent. I find it really touching as it came at the right time. Every time after I cried, I felt bit of relief. And I am able to perform slightly better than before. I grew.

beL

Please Hold Me

2009-04-22T12:02:00.004+08:00

When therefore it shall happen,

as happen it will.

that you or I have dissapointed the expectation of the other,

you are not suppose that you have lost me

or that I intended to lose you;

nothing will remain

but to repair the fault,

and to go on as if it had never been commited.

Samuel Johnson,

essayist, 1709-1784

Concentration

2009-04-21T10:55:00.000+08:00

I can't concentrate.

Woke up at 8.17am. Sat in front of my laptop. Played 海鸣威-feat 泳儿我的回忆不是我的。Washed myself up and had my breakfast. Turned off my laptop so that I can pay all my attentions on my study. Took my notes, started staring at them. Managed to read two slides. Realised my drawer is very messy. Tidy my whole desk. Went back studying. Two more slides I've managed to read. Can't go on. Decided to write it down.

I can't concentrate.

My mind kept thinking of some other things. I thought I can put them down, at least for the time being. But it turned out that I can't. Knowing that the date is getting closer is killing me. I don't have the ability to prioritised. I know if I keep on acting this way I'm going to screw myself, my own destiny and future. I am struggling. I think I need pills.

beL

3 posts

2009-04-20T21:22:00.000+08:00

1. It has been quite some times since I last blogged. I’d enjoyed blogging but supposed I’d enjoyed being lazy more.

I’ve been reading many people’s blog lately. There are some posts that I like it a lot. I really admire some bloggers as they are so brave to express their feelings and the way they expressed. I wanted to do so too, but due to some technical barriers and my own stubbornness and stupidity, I’ve ‘prevented’ myself from blogging. However, due to some recent happenings, I’ve decided to start my new blog site.

I now not only view blogging as a way to express my feelings and sharing but also to grow up and become more matured. I want to be independent and enjoy my life to the fullest. I want to have what everyone has and also what they don’t have. I am not trying to be greedy here, but aiming high!

2. It’s been three whole months since I’ve stepped into my university life. I really enjoyed the freedom that I have, being as an individual. What I am trying to say here is, I’ve been living under my parents’ protection for so long and having to live alone in Kampar is a life transition for me. I’ve always admire those who can leave home for their study or work. Having the all-full-100% freedom is something I don’t have since birth, in addition that I stayed in KL (due to low & insecure security level) with my very strict parents. But I understand that all they did are for my own good, so I am not a rebellious child,*proud*.

Ok, back to my point. Living alone in Kampar is really an experience that I will treasure. It’s totally different with college life. I realized that I’ve used a different strategy to live and interact with people. I was once a girl who is very extreme, I either get very pissed or I remained silence. I am trying my best to be different from who I was. I am saying this out loud because I don’t like the old me and I am in the changing process. I want to be a positive and “people-see-people-like” person. Having all those negative energy in me is making me no good.

3. Since I moved to Kampar, there were some positive changes in my body. I was maintaining quite well too. But due to the recent unstable emotional changes leading to my imbalance diet, my body is obviously not functioning as usual. I’m not sure whether I need to see a doctor.

This reminds me of a friend, a guy, whom surprised me when we talked over the phone once. I have no idea how did we linked to this topic.

“your period is on time or not?”
“don’t know le, I forgotten the dates already.”
“you want me to bring you to a gynae or not?”

This is the first time I’ve heard a GUY saying this topic in a serious manner (I’m pretty sure about it from his tone). I have never heard guys saying this to female friends. The most I’ve heard are guys making fun of girls on this topic. Plus, he is that cool-macho type. Thumbs up for this gentleman. It’s not easy for guys to seriously talk about things like that.

Well, I would say this is due to our culture. For me, I am able to accept conversation like this, feeling a very tiny little bit of awkward though. Still, I think it’s acceptable. But somehow for the society, it’s not easy to talk over stuff like that. We should actually change this kind of thinking and perceptions to a more open-minded society. Define open-minded.

sorry to start with such long post. hope you'd enjoyed it.

Stop here. Have a nice day.

beL